The Power of Love Languages in Relationships with Charise Freeman
No rule book says you can't be your child's friend. Why is this still a debate? You must create an environment where your child can share and talk to you. Nobody is free to speak up in an unfriendly environment, which is the same with kids.
In today's society, with our awareness about traumas, mental health, and its triggers, I say yes to being your child's friend, yes to being a parent! They are not two separate things; they are one! If you practice gentle parenting that comes with tender loving care, you realize that you are already friends with your child.
In this episode of The Princess and the B, Charise Freeman, an Air Force veteran and abuse survivor who left the Air Force to build a stronger relationship with her daughter and is now helping parents create healthy relationships with their children, shares tips for growing a healthy relationship with your kids. You get the subconscious strategies to shift to living in alignment so that you show up feeling fulfilled, joyful, and - dare I say - having fun in both your business and with your kids.
Remember, your reign is now.
P.S. If you love listening to our guest interviews and are thinking - hey, that could be me. Then, let's start getting you booked on podcasts, Queen!
Click on the link below to book a discovery call.
https://www.crownyourselfmembers.com/join-communication-queens-agency
Connect with Charise Freeman:
Website: https://www.growinginlovetogether.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GrowingInLoveTogether
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/growinginlovetogether/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/charise-freeman-46b17683/
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@growinginlovetogether
Transcript:
Kimberly Spencer (00:00:00) - Hello and welcome back to the Crown Yourself podcast. I am so excited and honored to be here with you as always. Shower yourself in a hot dose of gratitude because you have chosen content that uplifts champions and challenges. And I do want to put a trigger warning on this is that this is a podcast where we will be talking about rape and that is triggering. So I like to be very upfront that we are talking about sexual assault in this podcast and the amount of transformation that still is possible from when you just choose to grow and love together. And what I'm talking about is my guest today. Charise Freeman is the author of Grow and Love Together. She was a military vet and an active member of the military. She was raped and ended up getting pregnant, and she chose to keep her daughter and learned how to grow in love with her daughter together through that choice. And what a challenging choice that is. And in this episode, I hope that you open your heart to the challenging decisions.
Kimberly Spencer (00:01:22) - Maybe it's not as extreme as choosing or not choosing to keep a child. Maybe it is just a simple business decision. Maybe it is a challenge that you're facing and you're wondering about your marriage or your partnership, or even if it's a business partnership, and how you still can choose to grow in love together sometimes even if that's a part. So I hope this episode inspires you. Sharice. Is a phenomenal woman. She is the author of the book Growing in Love Together. She talks about how to find the time to connect with your daughter or your children one-on-one and to be able to truly take those simple daily actions that establish a firm foundation of trust, open communication, and unconditional love in any relationship because those same principles translate over into any relationship. Now, obviously, they manifest differently in different relationships, but what if in every relationship the foundation was in trust, open communication, and unconditional agape love for one another? With that, I am so honored to bring you Charise Freeman. Welcome to the Crown Yourself podcast, where together we build your empire and transform your subconscious stories about what's possible for your business, body, and life.
Kimberly Spencer (00:03:12) - I'm your host, Kimberly Spencer, founder of Crown Yourself and I'm a master mindset coach, bestselling author, and TEDx speaker, known to my clients as a game changer. Each week you get the conscious leadership strategies you need to help you reign with courage, clarity, and confidence so that you too can make the income and impact you deserve. Imagine this podcast as your royal invitation to step into your full potential and reign in your divine purpose. Your sovereignty starts here and your reign is now. I am so honored to be here with you today with Charise Freeman. Hello, Queen. You are just Charise and I met at a podcast networking mixer and I heard part of her story as an Air Force veteran and abuse survivor. And I was like, I need this woman on The Princess and the Bee because what you have overcome is phenomenal. And what you have turned that into and what you're doing for other women. So share a little bit about yourself and how awesome you are.
Charise Freeman (00:04:16) - Okay. I'm Freeman and I was in the Air Force for about eight years I left the Air Force to build a stronger relationship with my daughter than what I had with my mom.
Charise Freeman (00:04:33) - And I left the military to do that because I really didn't I didn't understand why my mom wouldn't want to connect with me. And growing up, I was I had some abuse going on. And my mom took the abuser's side. So, I didn't understand that concept. And I started to repeat some behaviors that she did when parenting me. So in order to focus on what I wanted to do, building a stronger relationship with my daughter, I left the Air Force and deployed a lot. So it wasn't conducive to my wanting to build that relationship with her. And once I got out of the military, I, you know, I was like, Yeah, we're going to do all the things. I'm excited for the PTA. I'm going to walk you to school. I'm going to do all this cool stuff, you know, and I'm providing her with everything. You know, in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, she has a roof over her head. She has closed, she has all this stuff and she's getting fed, you know.
Charise Freeman (00:05:36) - And I had my son around the time she was six years old. And she once he was about almost a year old, she expressed in school that she wanted to harm herself. So I was upset. I felt shame. I was angry at her. I was angry at the school because I was like, what are they teaching her? You know, I don't understand. And I really started to be like, okay, I don't I don't understand why she's doing this. And I started to place blame, like, I'm doing all this stuff for her. I left the military for her. I don't know why she's doing this, you know, And my significant other he's my significant other now. He wasn't then. And I told him, I said, you know what, I still have to go to school because in the military, when you get out, you get the GI Bill, which you have to you have to go to the school to get paid. At the time, that's how it was.
Charise Freeman (00:06:32) - And so I'm like, if I can't, she expresses she wants to harm herself. She ended up getting put into a facility like a facility that was like I say, it's for like the adult crazies, you know, it was like one of those because she had to it was over the weekend, so they didn't have. Yeah. So she was there on a Friday afternoon and she was held there until Monday and she went to a children's facility. And so I was going to visit her like a couple of days and I'm like, I can't keep doing this because I have to go to school. And I said, Well, I'm just not going to visit her. She doesn't want to come out of there because I try to ask her, You want to come home? She was like, No, I have friends here. I have my own bad. I have this. She's like showing me around the place, you know? And I'm like, This girl won't even come home. I don't even know what I'm doing, what I'm doing here.
Charise Freeman (00:07:20) - She doesn't want to be with me anyway. So I told my significant other who wasn't then, but I told him, Hey, I'm just going to go to school. I'm not going to go visit her. You know, I got to pay rent. I got to do all this stuff. And he said, Shut up talking to me right now. And I was like, What? He said That's your daughter you're talking about. It shouldn't matter. Like, you should figure it out and like, be with her. So I got upset, left the house, and proceeded to drive to my own house. But about a few feet down the road, I guess I parked off to the side and my pride was gone at that point. And I just cried and I said, I don't know what to do. You know, I don't I don't know why she won't come home. And I just, you know, it started to flood in like, okay, I'm going to call the school and let them know what's going on and that I need to do this.
Charise Freeman (00:08:14) - And they worked with me that I was I came in on like an off day or like off time to actually come into class and get beat in another class, but still taking the same course. So I got that worked out. I visited her I think three times a day for about a week, and I went there and I just was with her and she eventually said she wanted to come home. So before that, though, I figured, let me figure. What she needs. Because if I bring her home anyway, it's going to be the same thing. And so I really went to parenting classes, went to counseling instead of counseling for her, counseling for me. And I said, you know, let's let me figure this out. And that's when I discovered the five love languages.
Kimberly Spencer (00:09:05) - Was she a quality time love language?
Charise Freeman (00:09:08) - No, she was a physical touch. And that's something I didn't do because I was abused as a child. So I didn't understand healthy family love. I just was like, I'm not doing anything because statistics show that people who've had it done will do it.
Charise Freeman (00:09:24) - So I just was like, I'm not doing anything extra and not going to, you know, I don't know. I don't want to. So I really backed off of the touch part unless we were holding hands across the street. So when she became like, maybe like past that stage where they don't need you to hold them anymore and all that, like 4 or 5, you know, I just stopped doing it, didn't you know? But her brother, who was an infant, I would hold him because it was kind of mandatory. And so she had the sense that I loved him more than her. So that's where she said she wanted to harm herself because I didn't she didn't think I wanted her to be around. So when I discovered her love language was physical touch and that I was spanking her for certain things and I was communicating more hate than love to her without accompanying after the discipline, saying something or accompanying beforehand to soften what I was doing right. I didn't do any of that.
Charise Freeman (00:10:27) - So she received that as hate hating her. And I was just like, Oh my gosh, like so many light bulbs came on like, Oh, I have to fix this, you know? And I sat with her in the library. We went to the public library, and I chose the library because she loves reading. And I wanted to create a safe space for her and also a place for me where I wouldn't be able to be like, well, whatever. If you don't want to answer me, then fine. We're not going to talk about it. I'm not going to do this or act out of hurt and dismiss and not want to connect with her. So being in a public space, I wasn't able to really do that comfortably. So move mama like, smart.
Kimberly Spencer (00:11:12) - Move.
Charise Freeman (00:11:14) - Slowly, let's, you know, figure this out. And I just explained to her in words that she understood at seven that I didn't receive this love like this. So I'm learning and we're going to learn together.
Charise Freeman (00:11:28) - And before that, I just felt like, oh my gosh, I'm doing everything wrong. How come I'm not doing this? Why can't I do that? And it really dawned on me that I have to take you out of it because it's something we have to do together. Relationships take two people. So I needed to remove the you in guilt and grow in love together. Guilty. That's what I say. And that's my. That's you.
Kimberly Spencer (00:11:55) - That's your.
Charise Freeman (00:11:55) - Book. Yeah, that's fine. So that's what I say all the time is that it's not just necessarily what you're doing wrong or what the other person is doing wrong. What can you do together? So I told her my top-level languages and how I connected, and we went over her top-level language and I told her what I would do to, like do better with physical touch because I wasn't taught that. And she understood that and was very forgiving and gracious through the rough patches that we had, the very rough patches in the beginning.
Charise Freeman (00:12:30) - And it's always my thing to go back to even now and she's 16 and at the time she was seven. So yeah, nice powerful.
Kimberly Spencer (00:12:41) - Growth though. And like kudos Mom to you for doing the work like that. It takes courage and so much guts and I just admire your transparency and in sharing because I know many of my audience members have experienced sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by my father at six years old, something that he later shared that I could share. Not that I would not that it would stop me. But he said, Kim, I want you to share that because he was also sexually abused as a child as well, and my grandmother before that. And so it was this cyclical thing and being the making the decision to be the end of the line and where it stops. Yeah. What has shifted in your belief systems with how to love a child from where you were to where you are now?
Charise Freeman (00:13:39) - Oh, I think the way that she responded to me when I.
Charise Freeman (00:13:44) - Just came to her with with all my humanness and asked her to forgive me for what I had done before and that we were going to move forward. So that moment was very like it was a transformative moment for the both of us because we began to. We started at the same starting point. You know, I wasn't miles ahead of her. She wasn't miles ahead of me. She wasn't doing it better than me. We were together. So I think that changed a lot of it for me because I realized, like, my mom did the best that she could, what she had, and I have more tools, so I'm going to do the best that I know how. And it's not going to be perfect., I was so focused before on being better than my mom that I wasn't even trying to be the best my best self. And so when I focused on that, like being better than my mom, I was operating from a place of trying to prove something rather than living in what was authentic to me.
Charise Freeman (00:14:56) - So when that moment happened where I just decided to just present to her like, Hey, I'm I'm not I don't know this, you know, I'm not I'm not perfect. This ain't had kids before. And they tell me that it's not the same with every kid. So here we are, you know, and her looking at me and saying, yes, okay, we can do this. That really shifted a lot of things for me.
Kimberly Spencer (00:15:26) - Um, and so what was your experience, by the way? Thank you for your service in the military. How did being in the military facilitate or if it did at all, how did you operate with your with your child? Did it allow you that escapism because of the deployments?
Charise Freeman (00:15:46) - Yeah. So I didn't mention in the beginning that I was sexually assaulted and that resulted in pregnancy so I was already emotionally detached because I didn't want a kid at the time. I didn't I wanted to be as kids as possible for a long time because I was the babysitter as the oldest child.
Charise Freeman (00:16:10) - So I'm like, no kids for me, you know? And so when it happened, I was very angry. And I had in my mind, I'm going to get an abortion when I get back to back to the States because I was in Korea and I was like, I'm just going to get an abortion. I already had it in my mind. So I was already detached from her emotionally. So once I decided to have her and I was just like, Well, I guess I'll just do this, you know, it wasn't like, Oh, I love this child. I'm going to do this. And I'm just so it was like, I'll just do it because someone told me that not everybody can have children, so I shouldn't do this. So I'm like, okay, well, I guess I'll keep the baby and kind of figure it out. So that already was. And I was in the military when I conceived. And so when it was time to deploy, I was sad, right? I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to have to leave her.
Charise Freeman (00:17:13) - And I was gone for about 4 to 6 months. And then I returned. She was going to be one probably in like two months or so. And when I returned, my mom brought her to me. And when my mom left, my daughter just screamed her head off for I don't know how long. It seemed like forever. She cried for my mom. She wanted to go to her. She didn't want anything to do with me. I was crushed and all this time I've been anticipating coming home and hugging you and you're pushing from me and crying. That hurt me so much. And my mom told me just to hold her. I said, She's screaming. And I even talked. I even told my daughter, You want to go find your grandma? Go find your grandma, you know. Open the door for her. And she, like, walked like a couple steps out and just, like, started crying, you know, like, don't know what to do. And I'm like, okay, you have to come back inside, you know, like, we can't do this.
Charise Freeman (00:18:17) - So then I held her and then I just began to cry. And she was crying for a little bit more. And then we like, settled in. And. I made up on the inside that I never wanted to feel this pain again. So the next time that I had to leave when I left, I shut off my emotions. I didn't even. I'm like, I'm not doing this, you know, because it's so painful. When I come back, I can't do it. So to answer your question, yes, it helped. It kind of pushed me in that way to block it out and not connect with her and just send her gifts and go, great, you know, like, see you later, you know?
Kimberly Spencer (00:19:01) - And totally the opposite of a physical touch, love language. There's a gift.
Charise Freeman (00:19:10) - And when I returned home when she because I went again for like the last time and she was like five going on six, and she ran to me and, like, hugged me and it just was like, okay, yay, you know? But I didn't feel connected to her.
Charise Freeman (00:19:29) - And that that was like really strange to me. But before I decided to actually leave the military, the person who was watching her asked me what's her favorite food. What does she like to do? I didn't have any answers because she was always with the daycare provider because I worked this weird schedule all the time. And I said I'll have to call the daycare lady because I have no clue. And when I said that out of my mouth, it was like I got to go because I don't want to ever have to have that answer again. I want to be able to provide the answer that it's macaroni and cheese. Okay? Like that was a big deal to me, and that's what was the deciding factor for me to get out.
Kimberly Spencer (00:20:14) - Mm. So how has your relationship with your own mother changed as you have evolved?
Charise Freeman (00:20:22) - It hasn't. I've had, like, these, like, hopeful moments, but then they go back down. So my uncle abused me when I was probably younger than 11.
Charise Freeman (00:20:35) - I don't remember a lot prior to that. It's kind of choppy, but I know that he was caught when I was 11, so it was like a big thing. And like when I moved, like coming to this point now I know more about like, how my uncle was as a child with my mom and his other siblings or not all of them maybe, I don't know. So the abuse for my mom started so long ago and it like kept just kept going in different forms. And her response is always to follow what he says. So the way that I describe my mom's relationship with her children is in reference to my uncle, if we were all standing out in the middle of a snowstorm, her kids and we're all naked, freezing, and my uncle walks up with like four jackets on and he asked my mom for her jacket. She would give it to him instead of us. And her relationship with him has been that way for a very long time. What I've started to discover.
Charise Freeman (00:21:51) - So in my journey of connecting with my daughter, I went back a little bit to understand so that I wouldn't repeat, or if I saw it coming up, I would move away from that way of thinking, and do so. Our relationship is not the best at all, and right now we cannot. I can't connect with my mom at all because we now have my nephew here. And by the time this airs, he would have he'll be adopted fully with us. And one of the things is we cannot communicate with my mom because he was taken from that home to be in a safer environment. So we're not we not allowed to. And the social worker asked me like, are you okay? With that said, I've gone this long without really connecting with my mom in a way. So I'm going to treat him like I do my other children. And they're not around my mom, you know. So our relationship has I wouldn't even say it's gotten worse. It just hasn't moved in any positive direction.
Charise Freeman (00:23:00) - Yeah.
Kimberly Spencer (00:23:01) - I totally understand. That was how my relationship, my relationship with my dad was very, very contentious and erratic until I staged his intervention back in 2016. And then I got about four years of the cool, sober dad that I would occasionally know growing up. And that's the dad who my kid got to get to know as his grandfather. And that was amazing. But when my dad passed, I had this really powerful revelation that, you know, going navigating through grief and especially through grief and a complex relationship where there was a lot of love and a lot of hurt. And navigating that, I realized that the times in my childhood when there was the most abuse and the most alcohol abuse on my dad's part because, on any on anything else, he wasn't bad. It was just alcohol. That was just like, man, he turned into a different person. But with that, I realized, oh my God, my dad was the most abusive and challenging right after his mother died. And right after and right in between this year of his mother and his father.
Kimberly Spencer (00:24:09) - And so that in and of itself was an experience and just forgiveness and compassion of just being able to recognize, Wow. The only tool that my dad had available to him at that time was alcohol. And he didn't know how to process all the big feelings that come with losing someone. That's also losing someone with whom you have that complex relationship. And so I so admire your own journey and your boundaries are so strong now with your with your children, What boundaries did you have to develop as you grew to grow in love with your daughter?
Charise Freeman (00:24:45) - Just the respect boundary, you know, and the boundary of not necessarily throwing up all the red flags when you don't like something, right? Saying I don't want to be here, you don't love me. You know, that's that's not just curbing that that language to say you can express yourself. Always. But just be mindful of how you're expressing yourself. And if it is that you don't like it here, that's fine. We're going to talk through that.
Charise Freeman (00:25:20) - Even if you because I told her you can blurt out whatever you want. I just want to be able to help you regulate that. So don't hold it in, you know? You know, you know, you have like a free, you know, a free pass. When I'm asking you what is it that you need or what's upsetting you? And then you can go from there and I will. That's my job, is to teach you how to regulate that, not to stop you from disrespecting me. I need to teach you to operate in the world, you know? So I, I think that's one is like the, the boundary of, like, you know, like the back talk or like the smart aleck, like that type of thing. Just teaching how to move that a little bit and not by saying, I'm not one of your friends. Let me just say that because if you look up the definition of a friend, you're telling your daughter that you're not able to be there for her when she wants to confide in you.
Charise Freeman (00:26:15) - So using that language signals that I can't talk to her.
Kimberly Spencer (00:26:21) - Now we're getting onto a topic that I absolutely love and it's conscious language of being. And it's something that I just hear parents on, like soccer teams and baseball things and I'm like, ooh, like, I like that. Okay, So can you share a bit of the conscious language that you really use to guide You already shared a bit about really allowing for that being the word friend, because I've heard that statement from so many parents, and I'll admit that before I had kids I used to say it to of like, you know, I'm not your friend, I'm your mom. And I'm like, No, I want them to I want to be the confidant. I don't want them to have to go to auntie or uncle to have to confide those deep things of shame or guilt or fear. I want them to be able to trust in our relationship that I'm going to love them no matter what. Shame they may perceive that I might have for them or guilt.
Kimberly Spencer (00:27:22) - So what are some other conscious language tips that you have around parenting?
Charise Freeman (00:27:28) - That it's using? The word consequence versus punishment. Punishment implies that this is happening to you and you did nothing to deserve it. We're just punishing you. And the consequence is there's you. There was an action and now there's a consequence. Whether it's good or bad, whatever that is, you're going to get a consequence for whatever you do. Yeah. And that was a huge one to kind of reframe, especially with my significant other. He's like, okay. And I had to, you know, just let him know like, we're not we're trying to teach them to be responsible for their own actions. So if we're saying you're being punished for this, it sounds like we're just giving them something random without like, Hey, you did this. So we walk them through. Like, if this happens, what do you feel your consequence should be? This or this so that they know like, hey, I chose this as my consequence and if I do this, I'm going to get that consequence, you know, whatever it is, good or bad.
Charise Freeman (00:28:30) - So we really shifted that and gave choices for a lot of things. So what I hear sometimes from parents is like, Oh, they won't brush their teeth, they won't go to bed. My kids go to bed between the hours of seven and nine, nine for my teen, eight for my nine-year-old, and seven for the eight-year-old. And everybody knows when it's bedtime, everybody goes to sleep all that. I don't have those issues of the kids running around or doing anything. And it's because I said, Hey, do you want to go to bed at 630 or 7?
Kimberly Spencer (00:29:10) - Oh, that's an NLP technique right there.
Charise Freeman (00:29:15) - Okay, great. We're all happy, right? I didn't say, you better go to bed, you know, 630 or 7 and I do it for everything. Do you want to brush your teeth now or in five minutes? It's not going to hurt me if they pick five minutes, but they're going to be ecstatic that they get to choose their own path. And so that's one thing that we changed as well.
Charise Freeman (00:29:40) - And also chores. We call them house contributions here because everybody has a job slash school slash something outside of this house. And yet we all have to come home and make this house run efficiently so everyone has a contribution. I have a list on the refrigerator. Everybody knows what they're supposed to do on which days. And again, I let them choose. Do you want to do this for one day or do this for two days? You know, like just do you want to sweep or you want to mop that? Just keep it coming. You know all the choices until you get to all the things that you feel like you don't want to necessarily do on your own. I'm a person that I don't I don't want to come in here and start cleaning. And everybody's just chilling, you know, That's just not I had to work. I was outside. I came in, you know, let's all just do it together. It'll get done and it'll be fine. So those are the major things that I changed in our house.
Kimberly Spencer (00:30:49) - We call them team building.
Charise Freeman (00:30:51) - Ooh.
Kimberly Spencer (00:30:51) - Because we like to I like to think of the family unit as a cohesive team. We're a team. We support each other. And so my. My son has never gotten paid an allowance. I mean, he's four and a half for things that are family contributions like, like that are, you know, the mundane. So we make service exciting and being excited to, you know, share and contribute and help and use that as an uplifting value. Yes. That's also a huge value Just on his for his subconscious mind. He just loves that. He loves being of service and of significance. But we pay him when we do pay him the opportunity to make money, it's because it's something he enjoys. So he loves cooking with my husband. And so we'll be like, Declan, do you want to cook with Daddy? And like and he's like, Oh, and I get to make money. And so then and then we teach him economy and, you know, putting it in the bank and you make a yield that's in the beginning stages of finance.
Kimberly Spencer (00:31:52) - But I love the fact that you're using the team unit because I see that so often with the mother perceiving like typically it's the mom. Not always, but typically it's the mom perceiving that she is going to be the one who's doing the cooking, the cleaning, the sweeping, that, you know, all of that while the kids are not participating in the household. And I'm like my son's four. And I, I saw an activity the other day that I was like, he could probably like maybe not take out the trash because it's quite heavy, but he could refill and put the new trash bag in. And now he does it with such excitement and now he picks up the mail for the house. And so like, those are little things that he does. And I'm like, Oh, we're making the system run a little bit more efficiently. So it runs like a little mini business. Yeah.
Charise Freeman (00:32:42) - I had my kids when they were smaller, like get there was one person that would turn off the lights if no one was using the light.
Charise Freeman (00:32:49) - Oh, nice. And have them, you know, they love doing that anyway. They like to turn off the light or off, you know. And if I folded the laundry, had them put it away so that there was some, you know, contribution from like three years old. So.
Kimberly Spencer (00:33:07) - Yeah, yeah. And think that's like a building that is such a huge piece. Where have you found that parents typically go awry when it comes to building trust with their kids?
Charise Freeman (00:33:20) - Lack of consistency.
Kimberly Spencer (00:33:22) - Um, expand on that. So I agree with you.
Charise Freeman (00:33:26) - If you're saying, you know, we are going to hang out today, right, or we're going to hang out every Friday, the lack of you being consistent with what you say you're going to do on top of the trust factor. So if you're not actually fulfilling that, then they start to lose the trust. If you on the other hand, you're saying if you don't do this, you're going to get this consequence. All they know is that they need to ride it out until Mama goes to sleep and they can do whatever they want.
Charise Freeman (00:33:58) - So that lack of consistency. You have to be really upfront doing it like there was no veering from our contributions in the beginning. Nope. Everybody does everything, you know until it's instilled in them as a routine that they got the consistency. They know what they're supposed to do instead of, Oh, you know, you don't have to do it today. Then it's, oh, you know, you need to clean up tomorrow and then, then they don't, they need a schedule, they need routine. So when you have that lack of consistency, there's no trust there. Or if you're not being the example is another thing that if you're expecting them to do something and you're not doing it and not all the time, you know, we're not perfect. But if you're not doing it, then they're seeing like, okay, this is a family thing. And yet mom is not doing it, you know, and maybe there's some conversation to be had sometime like now. I cooked dinner beforehand and I'm not serving the food.
Charise Freeman (00:35:02) - I had their father do it. So they know that, hey, she's doing this right now. So that's why it's not very loud because they know what's happening right now. So when I build that, like as soon as I'm done, I'm going to come out, you know, and I'm going to tend to everybody. They know that when Mama's done, she's going to come out. She's not going to be in here and doing whatever she wants. She's going to come back to us. So all we have to do is just wait. Just being consistent with that is, it builds trust, which then helps everything else.
Kimberly Spencer (00:35:34) - Yeah, I think that especially because when I hear parents go from like, well if I count to three and then it's like if I count to ten if you know and, and that that loses the integrity of your own word.
Charise Freeman (00:35:51) - Yes, yes, yes.
Kimberly Spencer (00:35:53) - And so being exactly.
Charise Freeman (00:35:54) - One of the things that I say, like don't, don't threaten, don't say if you don't do and you don't follow through with it.
Charise Freeman (00:36:02) - Right. There are certain things that we sometimes were like, okay, you're not going to have electronics on Saturday because you did X, Y, and Z, right? If we happen to give electronics, we say beforehand, we are doing this because we're all going to watch a movie together. It's not because we excuse what you've done, but we all want to watch it together. So we're going to do that. We don't want to exclude someone from the family that we're going to you know, we're going to watch a movie together. Well, you can't because you don't have electronics. Well, no, we're all doing it as a family. Once we get done with our movie, you won't get your own individual electronics, but just explaining why it's veering from it so they won't think like, Oh, all I have to do is just, you know, it's movie night. I'm going to do whatever I want, you know, just being really consistent with that and not threatening them. Yeah.
Kimberly Spencer (00:36:54) - And when it comes since I know that you have your Facebook page called Guilt Family, I want to touch on Mom guilt, which is a huge topic that so many moms experience.
Kimberly Spencer (00:37:09) - I think pretty much every mom I would I would venture to say has felt it at some point. But how do we as mothers nurture that part that is feeling guilty for, you know, taking time away for them or not being the all being doing the cooking, cleaning, making the money and all the things, you know, like how do we nurture that, that guilt side or the guilt from our own experiences of passing certain things off to our children that you're like, Oh, there's that pattern that I really wish they didn't accept.
Charise Freeman (00:37:40) - I would say that when it comes up to really address why that is right? Like if you're thinking I have to clean up all this stuff, I have to be the one to clean. Why is that? Is it because you were shown that way? And then once you assess like, where that came from, is it okay for your family? Now you're finding family dynamic, you know, and it's it's ever-evolving. It's not like maybe like two years ago I was cooking every night and that was just because I was trying to establish.
Charise Freeman (00:38:14) - Now I know it was me establishing like within my home, the family concept. Like we're all together, we're all going to eat together. Our lives don't fit that now, and that's okay. So when I had to reevaluate, okay, I'm going to either get a chef to cook for us one night a week and then everybody else picks up a night. And I only have like 1 to 2 nights. One of them is leftovers and the other night is fend for yourself Friday. So they do whatever they want on Friday.
Kimberly Spencer (00:38:44) - And I appreciate that one. I like that. See, I don't do any of the cooking in my home. No, My son asked me to stop burning toast. So like, Dad's the chef. Like, As we all know I know my genius zone. I bring home the bacon, he fries it. Exactly.
Charise Freeman (00:39:04) - So good. And, you know, now I don't cook as much. And I had to really say to myself, okay, I'm thinking like, okay, I'm going to make sure that I cook every, you know, all the nights that I have, you know, and then I needed time for my business.
Charise Freeman (00:39:18) - But I didn't want to take away from my family because I have a W2 job as well. It's just for those who don't know. I didn't want to take time for my family, so I had to figure out how I could create more time and really evaluate why I felt like I had to cook every night. What is that? Oh, because when I first got in this relationship, I wanted to cook every night and, like, create this whole. What is that for? Like, is that are you trying to prove something? And when I really thought about it, I was like, No, no, no, no. Because what is supposed to happen is mom is supposed to take care of herself. And if I feel like I have to do all the things plus do the business plus tend to them and make sure they have I and then get up for work the next day, That's not taking care of myself, which then I'm not ready to take care of my family.
Charise Freeman (00:40:11) - That's when I'm depleted. So if I say, you know, I'm going to do this for them, this is what I'm doing to so that I feel okay, which then gives them the nice mom, you know, that's the one running around like a crazy person, you know.
Kimberly Spencer (00:40:29) - Likes crazy mom. No one likes that thing. It's so weird. Why would know it? So I completely agree. Like you cannot give from an empty cup. Like when you are dry and parched and thirsty. It is not any service to anybody to just pour out the last bits of drops that you have left.
Charise Freeman (00:40:57) - Yeah, and what I heard someone say, I don't remember where it was. I listen to podcasts and all this stuff a lot, but, they said not to pour from your cup at all. Let it just overflow.
Kimberly Spencer (00:41:09) - Mm.
Charise Freeman (00:41:10) - And I'm like, oh yeah. Like I'm with that.
Kimberly Spencer (00:41:15) - I am all about elevating into overflow in all areas. Yes, all areas just turn that faucet of abundance on.
Kimberly Spencer (00:41:26) - Right. So what are some of the tools you have come so far? You have had such a powerful journey. What are some of the tools that you have used or are using that have really allowed you to process and heal from the childhood trauma that you experienced?
Charise Freeman (00:41:43) - I did counseling. I really chose and chose to forgive my mom daily. And sometimes more than once daily. And to forgive my uncle in spots that I feel okay for giving him because he doesn't really recognize anything wrong. So it's a little bit harder, those things just forgiving and counseling and then really wanting to live my childhood with my kids because I didn't have it. It was stolen from me. And I always have this vision of me and my kids laughing just on the floor, just laughing about random things. And they really enjoy it when I laugh with them. They don't know what's in their eyes they're just so lit up and they're more so staring at me than laughing, you know, like because they just love to watch it and then they're cracking up.
Charise Freeman (00:42:47) - I remember looking at my daughter once tonight, and I would always get teary-eyed when I see when I look in her eyes. And it dawned on me that I see she looks down on me, by the way. Oh, she was just. And I realize that that's the child I wanted to be and I couldn't. So instead of trying to give her everything that I never had as a kid, just to live in that moment with her, live in that moment of like, weird high school gossip that I don't really necessarily do anything with, you know, but just being like, Oh, for real, that happened. Oh, that's a mess, you know, And just being that's healing for me because I didn't have that. And I don't necessarily remember a lot of like 16 to like 18. I don't remember those years, really. That was where I was really rebelling against my mom because I didn't understand why she took his side for everything. So a lot of it, I just was so angry all the time.
Charise Freeman (00:43:48) - So I don't remember a lot of that. And just living in that moment with her as I was terrified of her turning 16 because I had no idea what it looked like. Like none. And so I just said, I'm just going to grow and love together with her. Like really coming back to that concept of growing in love together, not something that I can think up on my own. It's not something she can make me love her more. We have to really do it together. So that's a huge healing part. Any time when I feel like, What am I doing wrong? I say, No, no, no, remove the you and guilty. Like that's it. You just grow in love together. And then I see, okay, what can I do to get us back growing in love together?
Kimberly Spencer (00:44:36) - I think that's the first time I've ever heard from any person who's gone through childhood abuse to not give your children everything but to be in that moment with them. So you mentioned the five love languages.
Kimberly Spencer (00:44:51) - Can you elaborate on how we've heard it used many times for romantic relationships, but it applies so much to just kids as well? Yeah. And how do kids' love languages change over time or are they pretty set? Has your daughter's love language evolved or is it still physical touch?
Charise Freeman (00:45:13) - I feel like it's evolved, but it's so funny because now thinking about it, it's making so much more sense to me. I feel like their love language has changed over time, but not drastically. The top three will generally be the top three and just kind of move around based on the situation and relationship that they encounter. So with my daughter, it's physical Touch is one of the top three right now, but the main one is gift-giving. And so she's always mentioning, oh, my friend's birthday, you know, stuff like that. So I think it's just that someone probably showered her with lots of gifts and she's like, I love that I'm going to give it back to them and keep doing it.
Charise Freeman (00:46:03) - And so that's her top-level language right now. It's like gift giving and I think physical touches third and acts of service or quality time. This is the second. And I think a lot of it has to do with how we are we all spend time together and you know, it feels great. And that's because I love quality time. That's like one of my top one's acts of service and quality time. And my significant other is quality time as well as acts of service. And my son, like all of us, kind of has this quality time. So it's I think it's as they grow, depending on what situation they're in, it changes but not drastically. So taking the Love Language quiz every I recommended it six months to a year for children and then for adults. I recommend doing it every time that something changes significantly. Right? Like I was not in a relationship, so I took the test by when I was alone, to see what I liked. And then when I got into a relationship, I took the quiz again.
Charise Freeman (00:47:11) - And it's slightly changed, but not a lot. And then maybe like a year ago, I took it again and it was words of affirmation that were like my top. Because what I discovered is I want to know from my significant other if I'm moving in the right way for our family, like, is this how we want to move? And to hear that confirmation from him like, Oh yeah, that's great, or let's keep doing this or whatever. It was important to me. So, those three acts of service, quality time, and words of affirmation kind of change based on where we're at. So yeah, I recommend doing that.
Kimberly Spencer (00:47:47) - Yes. And like the five Love languages is powerful because when my husband was like when we first started dating, he's like, Why do you need a parade when you do the dishes? And I'm like, Because some words of affirmation, right, Right. Like, I need to know that I pleased you and like, did something that was good. Yeah, but like, he's acts of service, so he's like, he'll do the dishes every day and that's like, that's just him showing his love.
Kimberly Spencer (00:48:16) - And so it's such a difference. And, and like for him initially when we first started dating and as we've grown together over the past decade that we've been together, I said like every day he basically tells me why he loves me for that day. And that gives me like, Oh, cool, kudos for doing this, right? Is like on the right track with this Oh, he really likes seeing this or this moment was really special for him. And so like just that allows me for that bit of reflection, for that bit of, of, of also appreciation within myself of that self-appreciation to build my own self-love. Right. It's huge. And so that having that reflected back by your partner so completely understand, like wanting to see where you're on like I'm on the right track, so valuable and it's so huge and so looking at, do you have any other tools that you use and that you recommend or both?
Charise Freeman (00:49:09) - Um, no, mainly, well, my, my book for connecting, for sure.
Charise Freeman (00:49:13) - I go to it. My son cracked the joke because he's like he was reading the book actually going through it. He's like, this is why you leave Post-it notes for us. And it's because that's what I do. Like didn't just write the book to tell people to do it, actually do it. So I use my book as a go-to thing. And it's a 90-day guide, so I can open it to any day I want or start on day one. And it's literally just a task of how much time it may take you and what love languages it's connected to so that, you know, if your kid's top-level language is listed there, you know, you're going to give them lots of love. And I will say that we need all of them, no matter which ones are the top, we need them all. So the book has it goes over every single one. So you can do whichever one. And then we all need we need them all anyway, so it doesn't matter.
Charise Freeman (00:50:14) - But yes, definitely love languages. I always go back to that all the time.
Kimberly Spencer (00:50:20) - It's such a powerful book and such a great tool to be able to use for relationships. And especially with your kids. With my kids, I kind of have a feel like feeling as to what they are Is too young, in your opinion, to take the test?
Charise Freeman (00:50:41) - I don't think so. But on the on the quiz, it has an age bracket like what that is. But you would basically for that age, you would ask them to draw you a picture of what it means to you, to when a parent loves their their child or like when their mom shows love, what does that look like? So for my nephew, he drew a picture of him and a kid and a mom, and they were talking. So that to me, is quality time. He wants to be able to talk and, you know, pick. There was nothing else around, just them talking.
Charise Freeman (00:51:19) - So he likes quality time more so with him. The person talking though he doesn't want to.
Kimberly Spencer (00:51:27) - You want to feel heard.
Charise Freeman (00:51:30) - Yes. Yes.
Kimberly Spencer (00:51:32) - So when you wrote the guide, I just want to dive into just a hot second about your book, because there's a lot of beliefs out there about what it takes to write a book. How long did it take for you to write your book get it out there and get her done?
Charise Freeman (00:51:46) - Well, it was part of this course called Get It Done. I believe that's what that's effective. It's the company is called Get It Done. And their program was the tiny book course. So their thought was that you write a small book and gain momentum to write more. So that course was 45 days and I believe I wrote it. The writing part wasn't hard. It was the publishing that was a little bit more challenging. But the class started in August and I published the book in November. So it wasn't it wasn't like extremely long and it wasn't extremely difficult.
Charise Freeman (00:52:35) - As I said, I have a full-time job, plus I'm doing the business and I have three children and a lovely man like this. You got to like, you know, like it was it was fine. You know, I love that course because it wasn't like, okay, day one, you got to do this. Day two, you got to do that. They were just like, okay, here's the week. This is where we're at. If you guys are on course, great. If not, don't worry about it. Start from where you're at. So it was very like I could do it at my own pace and I just had my own goal of like, Hey, I want to get this out. And I wanted to get it out On her birthday. I had presales on November 7th, so then I had the actual sale on my birthday, December 17th to to give the mother-daughter aspect to it. And it wasn't just making sure that what I put out into like for the publisher to put out that it was actually going to be good, you know, like getting the editing and don't pay anybody to just have people give people pieces and have them look at it.
Charise Freeman (00:53:40) - That's how I did it, because everybody I don't know how often anybody I've picked up a book before and seen misspells in an in a like a renowned artist, you know, author and stuff. So don't, don't do it, you know, just get a few people, a few close friends to help you read through the book. And yeah, it was, it was I loved it. And I'm on the path to writing more books I've heard while I've been at events. Where's the one for sons and where's the one for dads and daughters? So my family's going to participate in those like my daughter participated in this one. She did the illustrations for it. So those are coming up soon.
Kimberly Spencer (00:54:26) - So way to enroll your children in your business. Like I, I, I love that you brought your daughter into doing it. Are you splitting the profits with her as well?
Charise Freeman (00:54:39) - Yes. Oh, my gosh.
Kimberly Spencer (00:54:41) - That's amazing.
Charise Freeman (00:54:43) - And especially when we go to events, She's going to get a piece of it as well because she's actually active when we're there, like, Oh, this is the book, and she talks and everything.
Kimberly Spencer (00:54:53) - So yeah, that's so powerful because you're just being such a testimony for what's possible with how you live and how you be and enrolling your family. Because I'm just for me personally, just as a coach, one of my pet peeves is seeing this compartmentalized. My business is over here. This is my career, this is my children, this is my man. This is like and it's all these separate boxes. But we're holistic beings and the more we can really allow for all of those pieces of our lives to just beautifully integrate, my son and I have assistant time where he'll come in and he'll work at the other desk in my office and he'll just be there and he'll be, you know, doing his con academy. But he's we're working together and he's he is excited to be doing that with me. And I'll ask him what he's doing and then he'll ask him what I'm doing and he won't quite listen or pay it like understand, but he's there in present. Yeah. And so, I mean, I just love the fact of how you're enrolling your children because think that our kids can just be our greatest assets or our greatest excuses.
Kimberly Spencer (00:55:57) - And you have really your children are just such amazing assets for you. And I can tell how they just enrich your life. So I'm so excited about the sequels of your book. So speaking of which, I have loved our conversation series so much. I would love to jump into a little bit of rapid fire. Are you ready? Yes. Who is your favorite female character in a book or a movie and why?
Charise Freeman (00:56:21) - I guess in this in this movie, in this show called Snowfall. I like the anti her name is Louis and she's very much the person. And I can see things for like the overview of things and everybody else kind of has this view of like this linear, like, okay, this is what we're going to do. And she's like, Well, no, you want to connect with that person because then they'll connect with them. She can see all of that and I love that. Mhm.
Kimberly Spencer (00:56:50) - Who, what woman would you want to trade places with, Alive or dead?
Kimberly Spencer (00:56:55) - Not like but dead. Like going back in time. Not like with the body who you would want to live inside their head for a day and experience the world as they see it.
Charise Freeman (00:57:08) - Missy Elliott. She dances. And I love just, you know, she choreographed a bunch of stuff. And I just have this, like, dream of being a choreographer, so. Oh, my.
Kimberly Spencer (00:57:18) - Gosh, I can't wait to see that dream be realized. Get your freak on. What is your morning routine? Especially as a mom running a business who has a full-time job as well. Like how? What is your morning routine to set you up for success?
Charise Freeman (00:57:36) - I awaken at 3:00, 330 in the morning. I then get up and, you know, get in the shower, do all that stuff. Then I go into the kitchen, make smoothies for me and my lovely man, and pack our lunches. They're already kind of pre-packed the night before. So I just finish and then I make my tea and I commute to work for about an hour or so.
Charise Freeman (00:58:08) - And yeah. And while I'm commuting, I either listen to music, I do this thing on my stories called Traffic jams. So I'm away from home. I'm like dancing to my stories to some music. And yeah, that's what I that's what I do in the morning Nice.
Kimberly Spencer (00:58:24) - I used to live stream on my commutes too and I would call them carriage rides with with my baby in the back because I'm right. Yeah. And what is your evening routine to set you up for success? Especially for a 3 a.m. morning? I've done four and I'm moving back that way. But three? Damn.
Charise Freeman (00:58:49) - Yeah. I come home. Well, on my way home, I decompress from work, dance, you know, and the music, you know, having all that. And then when I get home, I either have dinner already planned so I can, like, get in there and just start cooking. And once I do that or I pick up my kids before I do that, and then it looks different some days because Tuesdays and Thursdays we have boxing, but we go, I make the food and then I have them get in the shower after they've done their contributions and all that, and then they eat while I'm cooking.
Charise Freeman (00:59:32) - Most of the time they exchange stories. They tell me how their day was, things like that. That's what fuels me, is being able to hear how their day was and being able to impart little pockets of wisdom, you know, through their arguments. I'm able to like say, Hey, you know, let's do this and do that. So I love it.
Kimberly Spencer (00:59:53) - So have to ask. This is not normally a question I ask on Rapidfire, but when do you spend time on your business and how many hours a week would you say that you're currently working on it? Because you've you have events booked, you have some workshops happening in your town. You are doing more speaking gigs and you've published a book. And for all my entrepreneurs who are starting their businesses, I want to know how many, how many hours a week.
Charise Freeman (01:00:19) - I would say maybe eight hours a week, 8 to 12, depending on what's going on. So on Mondays, my daughter cooks. So I'm able to use that time I sit in the living room or we have an open kitchen.
Charise Freeman (01:00:33) - So I sit there for like two hours while everybody's doing whatever they need to do. And then on Friday, everybody's spending from themselves and they get electronics. So then I have like a couple of hours before everybody starts to wind down there. And then Saturday morning I get up early because my philosophy is if I can get up to work for someone else, I can get up to build wealth for my family. So I get up not necessarily at 330 all the time. I sometimes get up at 4 or 5, whatever, something like that. And I work till I hear my first child get up whomever kind of well, not my daughter. She gets a ridiculously early to eat and go back to bed, whatever. And so just.
Kimberly Spencer (01:01:17) - Teenagers. Yeah.
Charise Freeman (01:01:21) - So I work for about four hours or so on Saturday, and then on Sunday I try and squeeze in a few hours, and that I definitely. Like, stop once somebody gets up, no matter who it is so that I can. Sundays are more for my family.
Charise Freeman (01:01:38) - I don't even really show my face much on Sundays. And I'm like, probably just saying what we're doing or something. But yeah.
Kimberly Spencer (01:01:45) - So what do you consider to be your queendom?
Charise Freeman (01:01:49) - Say systems? Okay. I'm a very systematic person. If you ask me. I need to figure out how to do this, to get this, to get this, I would go, okay, and I would put together a system for you to be able to follow.
Kimberly Spencer (01:02:06) - My Virgo appreciates that. I'm like, Oh, this is all my husband has to say. His color coding. I'm like, Oh, baby. Right? And lastly, how do you crown yourself, Cherise?
Charise Freeman (01:02:27) - I make sure that I am doing things for myself. And when I do that, I feel very successful. If I say to someone who doesn't have the capacity right now, I feel successful. So I want to always stay true to what I feel and not just because someone's asking me or I feel some type of obligation as a friend or a mom or whatnot.
Charise Freeman (01:02:53) - I just like to stay ready for my family more than what's outside of my family.
Kimberly Spencer (01:03:01) - Cherise Where can we find you? How can we work with you? Where can we get your book? Plug yourself.
Charise Freeman (01:03:09) - Um, okay. So growing in love together, dot com. Everything's spelled correctly. No numbers or anything like that. That's where you can purchase the book. You can also take the love language quiz there and also sign up for my newsletter that I send out when I have time. And on Instagram, Growing in Love Together, it's spelled correctly as well. And then if you search Growing and Love together on Facebook, you will find me or you can search. Cherise Freeman and I also have a podcast called Growing in Love Together. I haven't recorded episodes in a minute, but it really goes over my story and my journey with my daughter and everything. So yeah, that's where you can find me. Yes.
Kimberly Spencer (01:03:56) - Chris, you are such an extraordinary woman and I love what you're doing for your parents and what you've done for yourself and for your family.
Kimberly Spencer (01:04:04) - And that's where I believe it all starts. Yes. When we work on this part, you are a testament to doing that. And I so admire you and thank you so much for coming. And as always, my fellow sovereigns on your throne. Mind your business because your reign is now. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If what you heard resonated with you, be sure to subscribe and start creating a bigger impact now by sharing this with a friend. Just by doing that one simple act of kindness, you are creating a royal ripple to support more people in their sovereignty. And if you're not already following me on social media, connect with me everywhere at Crown yourself now for more inspiration. I am so excited to connect with you in the next episode and in the meantime, go out there and create a body, business, and life that rules because today you crown yourself.