Reigning in Your Divine Purpose: Empathy vs. Excuses
Please enjoy this transcript of the Crown Yourself Podcast, with your host, transformational story coach, Kimberly Spencer (@Kimberly.Spencer)
In this episode of the Crown Yourself podcast, Kimberly Spencer, the founder and mindset coach, discusses the difference between empathy and using it as an excuse. She shares personal experiences, highlighting the importance of recognizing feelings as somatic experiences and not attaching too much meaning to them. Kimberly also talks about the significance of keeping commitments, prioritizing values, and not letting feelings dictate actions. She encourages listeners to examine their boundaries and use empathy as a tool for action, not an excuse for inaction.
*Transcripts may contain typos. We do our best to catch any human or robot errors prior to release. And we thank you in advance for your understanding. Enjoy!
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PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Kimberly Spencer (00:00:00) - Hello my fellow sovereigns! I am so excited to be back here with you on the Crown Yourself podcast, bringing out another episode from the archives. And so this was originally recorded back in March when I was in Vegas from Vegas, live from Vegas, sharing all about whether is it really empathy that you are feeling, or are you using that empathy as an excuse? And how do we, as empathetic, conscious leaders make those delineations and choose to follow our path? Versus following our feelings. And I am all about, you know, being guided by your intuition and sometimes your intuition and your feelings of the five senses of what you are feeling. They counter, they differ. They have differing sets of views, and it's very easy for subconsciousness to fall prey to the five senses of feeling. This doesn't feel good, this doesn't feel aligned. This you know, because it feels hard or it feels challenging. And, you know, emotions are a somatic experience. So when we experience big, deep feelings, like certain feelings of empathy, especially if they're toward, you know, our kids or our partners or spouses, like those feelings can sometimes create an essence and a belief system that, oh, maybe that's not aligned.
Kimberly Spencer (00:01:33) - Because it just makes us feel uncomfortable. Maybe we have to feel doing something that is challenging or hard, and it's easy to slip back and slip away from our own evolution and transformation into alignment with higher consciousness and our most sovereign selves. Because we are ascribing more meaning to these feelings than actually just recognizing them as just a somatic experience. And when we ascribe the meaning, that's when we start to use them as an excuse. And so it's in this episode that I'm going to really dive into some of the belief systems around. Is it really empathy or is it an excuse? And how do you find that delineation so that you stay on the path? And by your own path, I mean on your purpose and not fall prey to just what is convenient or comfortable. So with that, let's dive into the episode. Welcome to the Crown Yourself podcast where together we build your empire and transform your subconscious stories about what's possible for your business, body, and life. I'm your host, Kimberly Spencer, founder of Crown Yourself, and I'm a master mindset coach, bestselling author, and TEDx speaker, known to my clients as a game changer.
Kimberly Spencer (00:02:51) - Each week, you get the conscious leadership strategies you need to help you reign with courage, clarity, and confidence so that you too, can make the income and impact you deserve. Imagine this podcast as your royal invitation to step into your full potential and reign in your divine purpose. Your sovereignty starts here and your reign is now. Hello. Hello, my fellow sovereigns. It is good to be back on the Crown Yourself podcast. I am Kimberly Spencer and I am so honored to share this space with you and to be here with you. Welcome to the Kingdom. Welcome home. And I love the fact that if you aren't celebrating yourself, you specifically chose content that's uplifting and inspiring and championing and challenging, I mean, today we're talking about whether is it empathy or is it an excuse. It can be challenging. We may hit an emotional trigger because no one likes to be called out on their BS. I know I certainly don't, and yet I do, because I know that that's what is going to grow me.
Kimberly Spencer (00:03:59) - And you chose to lean into your own growth and development like giving yourself a solar plexus chakra. I'm in my power party because like that is huge. You are the 1% of the 1%. To be able to do that and to face yourself, it's the bravest thing that you can do. The reason why I wanted to really come on and felt called to talk about empathy or an excuse is because I've been this past week at the Podcast Movement Evolutions conference in Vegas. I've been away from my babies, and it was so hard leaving because I've never I've left for conferences and events before, and my family has always been super supportive. But this was the first time that my five-year-old son, Declan chased after me, crying like, Mommy, please don't go, please don't go. And it broke my heart and his because he's so amazing and so loving and I knew I had to go. I knew that like it was a line. I knew that it was necessary for me. I knew that it was.
Kimberly Spencer (00:05:05) - It's very important for what we're building with my other business, the Communication Queens Agency, to go out and meet more podcasters. Oh my gosh, I met so many amazing podcasters. It's phenomenal. But that initial sendoff really hit me in the core. It was like it really hit me in the gut. And I know Declan obviously wasn't intentionally trying to like, throw me off my game, but it definitely did. And you will know if you're if you're a mother or a parent, like when you're away, it's like your heart is outside your body. And my heart is currently in another state. That sendoff was so beautiful and challenging at the same time because it activated all these emotions for me. It activated huge, big, deep wells of love and of empathy and also like of wanting of like a little bit of guilt. I felt if I'm totally honest, of like wanting to stay home and wanting to split myself in half and be able to split myself into two or clone myself so that I can be in two places at once.
Kimberly Spencer (00:06:15) - But I had to really come to terms with my own biological processing of feeling, because as I got to the conference the first day, maybe the first day and a half, my old default. Of, like, control, like, kicked in and that's that's a default. But the problem is, is that I've activated over the course of the past seven years of doing personal development and spiritual work. There is such a deep connection that I have with my emotions and my intuition that, like, it can't not be controlled, like it can't be controlled like it can be. But it's like when it's inside you and you're not processing it like my shadows are. Just like you are going to face me. And I'm like, oh, dang it, dang it. But at the same time, it's really good. But so often what I hear from a lot of people is when they get these big feelings and they're in these spaces where there are lots of people and then they're feeling their feelings, and then they're especially when you're feeling the feelings of your loved ones and your children, like the people that you love most.
Kimberly Spencer (00:07:26) - And like those feelings of just like deep, deep empathy, it can be really easy to want to seclude yourself and hide and not show up and not do the thing because of all these big feelings that you're feeling. And I get it. I so get it. And is it empathy or is it an excuse for fear? And so after the first day, I recognized that I was feeling all these feelings of wanting to kind of hide away and kind of wanting to like, control when I was in public and then feeling like just massive amounts of energy and emotion flowing through me when I was by myself in my hotel room, and I had to allow myself to fully feel it, work the process, and then remember continuously coming back to my purpose as to why I am here, why I chose to leave my children for five days and go to a conference like that is a big choice for me, and that piece of reminding myself of the decision I made, because I could have easily wanted to hunker down and just use this time to work.
Kimberly Spencer (00:08:42) - And I totally could have. I definitely did, but I also knew that there was a bit of a fear because I'm not naturally an extrovert. I know, I know, hold your breath like a gape your mouths because I. I naturally am much more introverted. I didn't speak as a kid for six months in kindergarten. I stalked my best friend to get her to be friends with me. I just followed her around like a creepy stalker because I was so scared to speak. I had to ask my mom when I was going into first grade. Like, how do I make friends? Because I was so scared. I was so shy. And she said the thing that to this day has served me in business and at the same time felt feels so. It feels so scary, like it feels so awkward and it's funky and it's like it's especially if you are a projector, which I am in human design. My projector side needs to wait for the invitation, but the invitation is like it can be an intuitive hit.
Kimberly Spencer (00:09:51) - It can be, oh my gosh, your shoes look amazing. It could be something I acknowledge see or respond to. And then that's that. Insights. The invitation to connect and create a conversation. But like I'm not naturally an extrovert, so I still go up to people and say hi and what's your name like that took courage. As a first-grader. It still takes courage. It's a 35-year-old adult female. Think that it is something that is just it. It's that awkward moment, especially when I'm like, when I'm with my husband and we're at a conference, I feel so comfortable because I have someone to back me up. I have someone to talk to. Like I was entering the.
Kimberly Spencer (00:10:35) - Room alone.
Kimberly Spencer (00:10:36) - And like I texted my husband after day two, I warmed up. But I had to get through those initial funky feelings of emotions, and I had to recognize where was my empathy and where was I using my empathy for my son and his wanting me to be at home back in Texas. Like, where was I? Where was I using my empathy for my son as an excuse to not show up and do the dang thing? Because I was scared of having to be extroverted to a degree and meet people and put myself out there and connect and do that.
Kimberly Spencer (00:11:09) - I'm very skilled at connecting online, very skilled. It's a very safe place for me. Connecting in person. I do get a little funky. I get a little like that inner child work. There's still some inner child work that I'm doing and that's okay, I honor that. But I had to get really clear and by the second day, I started to recognize, like I was feeling all these energies and I was meeting people and I was I was connected. Acting and building relationships and it was great. But there were certain things that I liked that were a pretty hard no for me. There was an event that was at a nightclub, and I was talking to some of the people that I was having great conversations with. And then I hope you are listening to this. And Judy, Miss Judy Fox rocks. Shout out to them who are amazing business consultants and with whom we had such beautiful in-depth conversations. They mentioned, like going to the party and my body was like, hell no. Nope, not nightclub scene, not my jam anymore.
Kimberly Spencer (00:12:15) - Like wasn't in the space for that. Was feeling all the things my body just did not want to process that amount of intensity of energy mixed with the nightclub scene of like, typically lacking consciousness, let's just put it that way. And so I realized and I asked my body, like, is this me making an excuse not to go out and build more relationships or, and not to, you know, put on that extroverted side and, and connect with people and do that. Or is this really my intuition saying like, Nah, this one's not for you? And I checked in with myself. I recognize like where I'd made the decisions to keep continuously showing up, to keep making conversation, to keep building rapport, and to keep connecting with people. I recognize where I was continuously choosing to show up for those decisions, acknowledge the progress of making those decisions, and not allow my empathy to be my excuse not to show up. And I felt in my gut like, no, that that night of end is not for you.
Kimberly Spencer (00:13:25) - And that being said, I double-checked it, a muscle tested it, and that was very clear that it was like, no, it's like it felt better, actually, to go record our rebrand podcast episode, it felt better to produce some great content. It felt better to build strategy and systems and actually start implementing some of the things that I was learning from the conference. And that's what felt like that was like a full-on fake yes. Like, yes, let me do that. And so I acknowledged the feelings that I was feeling, and I recognized where I was still feeling a little bit of that guilt and like missing my children and missing my husband and our beautiful house and sunlight. That's the thing about Vegas. Like I, you're in a casino and a conference room and in restaurants and casinos, and there's not a lot of, like, going out and getting the sun. And I love the sunlight. I love our home like it's amazing. And not having that recharge of batteries, I felt like my body was just it's I'm very excited to go home tomorrow and feel that sunlight and play with my boys.
Kimberly Spencer (00:14:32) - And I recognize that to feel the feelings. So here's the process to know, like, is your empathy empathy? Like, is it really empathy that you're feeling or are you using that? Are you using that as an excuse to not show up and do the dang thing? So first, recognize where you have made a decision in the past. Maybe you decided that you were going to go out, or you had made a commitment, or you had said, you were going to do this. Just recognize where you made the decision like. And if you know, if you've seen my Ted talk, it's all about making decisions and decisions. Being a warrior for possibility means you make clear decisions around is a yes or a no. And a decision is very simple. It's either a yes or a no. There's no gray zone. There's no. Maybe I'd like to I'll try I want to those are all not decisions. Like is it a decision? What decision do you need to make? So.
Kimberly Spencer (00:15:33) - Look at the process of what decisions have you already committed to. Because sometimes there are commitments. Like, as much as we'd all love to have those moments of like, oh, I'm feeling all these big feelings, and Mercury's in retrograde, and all these feelings are coming through because it's a full moon and whatever, and not show up for the things. What I've found is that more often than not, showing up to serve is far bigger. Like once you start serving, then you're no longer making it about you. So I look at where have I made the decision to serve, for example, with this podcast conference and leaving my children, and that of course, obviously leaving my children in the care of my very, very capable husband, Spike Spencer, and my mom. So they were very well taken care of. And I got a backup babysitter just in case, for a couple of nights so that they could have a break and have a nap. So covered all my bases there, and made sure they were very well taken care of in advance.
Kimberly Spencer (00:16:44) - But that being said, I looked at where I make a decision and I had made a decision to come to this conference. I looked at my original decision, the purpose, the intention of what it was that I was doing, why I was here, what was the decision that I made that made me make that guided me to make this action, not made me make, but guided me to make this action to where I made the choice to get on a plane, to fly, to get a hotel, to be here. I looked at what was that intention, what was the original decision. And then I see, like, what are those other micro-decisions that come along with that decision? Because as you know, once you make a decision, that's always the right decision, whether it's a mistake or not. All you have is the next right decision, the next right thing. It's like frozen two. So you have the next right decision. What next right decision? Do you have to make that in alignment ideally with the intention of that first one?
Kimberly Spencer (00:17:38) - So maybe you made a decision and it wasn't actually it didn't go through the way that you wanted to, but you had intended. Your intention was pure. Your intention was for it to create some sort of results. Do something for you, change you, challenge you, make you become something, get something for you. So you have something. So look at okay, whether it went great or not, whether it was a mistake or not. Look at what is the next best-aligned decision with the original intention. And then hold that intention and make the next best right-aligned decision. So that was me on Wednesday saying I'm choosing to show up. I'm choosing to go forth and conquer. I'm choosing to meet ten people and to say hi and to learn their names, just like I did in first grade, and to keep going and then to acknowledge my feelings. Okay. Which feelings? So once you look at the original decision, you look at the intention. You assess the decision like what's the next best right decision that's in alignment with the original intention.
Kimberly Spencer (00:18:44) - If that intention is still in alignment, then you keep making those decisions so you can feel your feelings all you want. So I definitely had to feel my feelings a few times. And I recognize, okay, this is a moment where I need to feel my feelings and I actually need to just connect and talk to my children. So I would FaceTime them and I would have a moment, and then I would go in and do my thing, or I would feel my feelings and just move my body in some way. Maybe I would do some Pilates in my room or I would go for a run. Like, those are ways to allow your feelings, which is energy in motion, emotion to move through you. And so and then do what you need to do in accordance with feeling those feelings. So for me, sometimes that is especially when I'm away from my kids, just to give them a call to reconnect to, to feel their presence, to let them know I see them, or to just send them a video.
Kimberly Spencer (00:19:35) - Like sometimes I do that where I share my feelings of how much I miss them and how proud I am of them being so, you know, being big boys and, you know, helping around the house and supporting the team, our family team in by behaving essentially and just, you know, encouraging them and then also encouraging myself and using that feeling as and facilitating it into a place of service. So if I'm not serving my business, my team, and my clients, by making the podcast connections and reaching out and building those relationships, then I'm serving my children by letting them know that I see them, I hear them, I miss them, I love them, and I'm continuing to be in that space of service because so often, a lot of times I have found that when we start to get those feelings of overwhelming anxiety and those feelings of deep empathy, and we're feeling all those big feelings, we're feeling them about us. And we may be feeling the collective feeling of the world, especially as empaths, but we're feeling it a lot about us, and we're putting this spotlight on us rather than on service, rather than on how we recognize that feeling that's coming through us.
Kimberly Spencer (00:20:54) - That's a sign. That's just information. And then what do we do with that to serve? So that's the next space of recognizing the feelings that are coming through and then choosing the next best thing of how do we use this to serve. So maybe you use that to serve by sending a message to your team or your partner or your kids, or you use it to serve by like doubling down and you're like, okay, I'm going to use this to serve. I'm feeling all this like this emotion, this like activating emotion to like, get, get down to business, put some content out, put, you know, put us up a sales page, structure my offer, do some deep work. So to use that and use the feelings to activate that next level of service of what it is. And then lastly, you want to keep your commitments. So what are those things that you had committed to? It kind of goes back to making a decision. It correlates to that piece of making a decision.
Kimberly Spencer (00:21:53) - But I have seen a direct correspondence between the degree of success that people have and the commitments that they make to each other, that they make to themselves, not necessarily to each other. Yes. And a lot of times it's a lot easier to keep a commitment to yourself. I mean, I've found since committing to doing pure bar classes twice a week, I am so much more like even when I don't want to, I do not negotiate out of showing up for that class like I am there for that class, dragging my butt in because I made a commitment. And there's a relationship with that commitment to the studio, to the teacher who's showing up at 5:30 a.m. as well. Like, there's a commitment to have that reciprocity of that, that infinity symbol of I show up and then they show up for me. So keeping that commitment is huge. And so it's the commitments that are your boundaries as far as like what you move forward and what you move through and how much you allow your big, big feelings, your big empathy to take the reins.
Kimberly Spencer (00:22:59) - Because a lot of times there are going to be moments in life when we don't feel like doing something or when we're feeling all the feelings of the world, but we still have responsibilities. We still have. Commitments that we need to keep in honor. That's why in the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, he talks about the number one agreement is to be integrity and what being integrity means. It means you do what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it. So if you say you're going to go for a run, you get your butt up and you do a run. Like I said today, I haven't run in four days. And I said I'm running for 60 minutes. And man, all the feelings came up in those first 15 minutes of like, I don't want to. This hurts. I've been in heels for four days for like for 18 hour days, and all the feelings, like physiological feelings came up and I was I was like, no, we're not we're not going to use those feelings as an excuse.
Kimberly Spencer (00:24:01) - That's not going to be my excuse. I made the commitment to myself to finish 60 minutes of a run. I'm finishing 60 minutes of a run. So look at what are those commitments that you've committed to. Like, I didn't commit to sending my kids videos every two seconds or calling them every hour or anything like that, because I knew that wouldn't be a commitment that I would be able to keep. I made a commitment to myself that, of course, I'm going to call them every day. I love them, I miss them, but I didn't make a commitment that I knew I couldn't keep. I made a commitment to bring a present home. He asked me to. So I got him a really cool citrine bracelet and I of course had to get one for Colton too. Even though Colton's love language is not gifts, Colton's love language is very much quality time, so I'm very much looking forward to going home and keeping the commitment of the pizza party that we are having tomorrow morning or not tomorrow morning.
Kimberly Spencer (00:24:55) - I get in tomorrow morning, but that night we're going to pizza, a movie, and ice cream. So super exciting. But I'm keeping that commitment, that commitment, like when I when Decky suggested like when you come back, mommy, I want to have I want to have we should have a pizza party. And I said that's great. It's going on the calendar. And I treat my calendar as sacred like there are times and moments and days that I do not feel like doing something. But I still show up because I don't use that. Those all the feelings, whether it's I'm feeling, the feelings of the world or I'm feeling the feelings of my clients, sometimes I feel the feelings of my clients before I get on the call with them and I'm like, whoa, what is this? It's typically about anywhere between 36 and 24 hours before a call. And because I'm feeling that sometimes I've had moments where I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel like I really am resisting wanting to get on this call.
Kimberly Spencer (00:25:53) - And then it just turns out my clients really resisting wanting to get on the call. And that's what I've been feeling all along. I'm like, oh, well, well, now we got to work. Now we get to work that through that. Fortunately, after seven years of coaching, I've started to recognize when it's me and when it's not. But regardless, I show up like it's a very rare, very, very rare. The only time I will ever cancel an appointment is if I am very, very sick or if my kids are very, very sick and like profusely vomiting all over me. Like of course then family takes priority. But those are my values. But I keep my commitments just like. And you keep your commitments in accordance with your values. So your values are a subconscious processing system you want to make sure you know what your values are so that you know how and what the order in which you're going to keep the commitments. And I know that when I'm in a business setting at a business conference, I know that I'm going to keep the commitment to do everything I can to make the most out of the experience of being here so that I can keep the commitments to my family to make this time worthwhile.
Kimberly Spencer (00:27:08) - And that was a huge piece, is looking at beyond the scope of using feelings as an excuse. Like look at your values and look at the why and when. I had to circle back to point number one of looking at the why. Of course, it was to grow my business, to make more connections, to connect with more people, and to build more, greater relationships. For my clients who were booking podcasts with the Communication Queen's Agency, of course, it was that. And who does that benefit? Me? Growing my business benefits my family. So when I remember that piece, that's when that's when I dove in and was like, I am. It is not negotiable for me. Like, I may be feeling the mom guilt, but I would feel the mom guilt five times more if I came to this, flew all this way, and then didn't make the most of it. So what do you need to start making some decisions around the boundaries of your own empathy? And where you draw the line as far as when you feel like not doing something, or you feel all the feelings from all the people and all the things, and you're feeling all the vibes from all the energy and all the people, and you're picking all that up and some of it's great and some of it's not, and yet you're still choosing consciously to show up and do the dang thing, whatever it is, and keeping that commitment not just to you, not just to what it says on your calendar, but to your higher calling, to the intentions, to the values, to the people that are relying on you to succeed.
Kimberly Spencer (00:28:48) - So always examine every possibility of any excuse, especially the ones that can be colored in really amazing colors like empathy. Empathy is a beautiful color. It's a beautiful shade. It has so many gradients and variety, and it's such a beautiful tool and resource and skill set that a lot of people don't have, quite frankly. And if you're blessed with that skill set of having deep empathy, it's amazing. Just make sure it's not turning into your excuse as to why you're not showing up and doing the thing that you were put on this planet to do because sometimes it's going to take courage. And sometimes, quite frankly, for lack of a better word terminology, it's going to take us getting through ourselves and just recognizing, okay, where am I making this about me and where how can I make this about those that I serve so that it no longer the spotlight of all, the empathy of all the feelings that I'm feeling is no longer on me, and I'm using those feelings as energy in motion to transmute it into action that benefits the people that I serve.
Kimberly Spencer (00:30:02) - If you love this episode because I know you've listened to The End here, I would love for you to share this with another amazing human who you think could benefit from this. Like, if you have listened to this and if you listen all the way through, I am so honored. Thank you for sticking in with me. I am so grateful that you are here, and I thank you in advance for sharing it with someone. Because we are on a mission to create more amazing, conscious leaders. Conscious communicators. This world needs an awakening of consciousness of our own sovereignty over ourselves, our bodies, our emotions, our businesses, and mainly our choices. And I honor you for being here and for choosing to look at some beautiful things and challenge maybe some belief systems and to look at anything and overturn any rock that's holding you back from activating your full potential. That is why we are here. We are here to activate your full potential so that you crown yourself and become the sovereign, the divine, fulfilling that divine purpose that you were put on this planet to fulfill.
Kimberly Spencer (00:31:21) - With that, thank you so much, and remember, your reign is now.
Kimberly Spencer (00:31:28) - Thank you so much for tuning in today. If what you heard resonated with you. Be sure to subscribe and start creating a bigger impact now by sharing this with a friend. Just by doing that one simple act of kindness, you are creating a royal ripple to support more people in their sovereignty. And if you're not already following on social media, connect with me everywhere at Crown Yourself Now for more inspiration. I am so excited to connect with you in the next episode, and in the meantime, go out there and create a body, business, and life that rules because today you crown yourself.
The Crown Yourself Podcast is a fast-growing self-improvement podcast, ranked in the top #200 personal-development podcasts in two countries, so far, out of 4.5 million podcasts. Each week, you get the conscious leadership strategies you need to help you reign with courage, clarity, and confidence so that you too can make the income and impact you deserve. Imagine this podcast as your royal invitation to step into your full potential and reign in your divine purpose. To listen any of the past episodes for free, check out this page.