3 Linguistic "Tells" to Help You Banish Blame and Lead with Love

Feeling unfulfilled in your business? Do you catch yourself complaining about your life or your relationships on a regular basis?

When I think back to only a couple years ago when I was still feeling so unfulfilled...

I didn’t LOVE what I was doing.

I didn’t LOVE how much I was making.

I didn’t LOVE where I was in my life.

Every day felt like something was going wrong. Ever been there? What shifted for me MASSIVELY was getting pregnant. Suddenly...WHAM!

My, my how quickly things changed.

But, it was more than just getting pregnant with my son, more than the certifications, more than the clients, more than achieving the $13K months, more than the 354% increase in my income (while that was really , REALLLY, fun)...

It was because I freaking LOOOOOOOOOOOVEE what I do. All of it.

The thrill I get when a client transforms within the span of weeks is radical. The joy I have from getting emails of clients getting their first $2400 a month client, or getting their first $19 in passive income literally makes my heart leap! The excitement I get from being able to play with my son, Declan, at the park in the middle of the day...just because I decided not to have clients on a Monday feels so liberating! The support I receive daily from my husband cheering me on when I do things that scare the shit out of me!

There is a fierce, fiery, passionate love for ALL of it - including the struggles, including the days I wake up and something just feels off, including the times I didn’t achieve my goals (yes, it’s happened, more than once...I’m human).

Because all of it has made me, and continues to make me into someone I LOVE.

Three years ago, I didn’t love the person I was. And my circumstances were a direct reflection of that.

Your external circumstances will ALWAYS reflect your inner reality. Until you get that life is happening FOR you, not TO you, your results will ALWAYS be mixed.

And you won’t love all of them. Love will be a happenstance. A fluke. A very happy glitch in the matrix of your life. Not necessarily a recurring, daily, minute-by-minute experience of your life.

tell poker - instagram.png

Do you believe that life is happening FOR you? Or do you believe it is happening TO you?

Let’s check in.

In poker, they call it “a tell.” It’s a change in a player’s behavior or demeanor that gives clues as to the players perception of their hand.

A lot of times these tells are unconscious. Your language is your own “tells” about how your subconscious mind is operating. And as you know 95-97% of all that you do is an unconscious pattern.

The primary “tells” for if you do not have the life and love of your dreams are blaming and complaining. Blame automatically traps you into a fixed mindset because when it’s somebody or some other thing’s fault, you can’t change that. You unconsciously know that you ultimately and only have control over you and your reality. When you deflect blame to someone or something, you immediately surrender your ability to control your reality, and therefore your results to that other person.

Blame immediately puts you at Effect. It’s always someone else’s fault. It’s always something’s fault. And the side effect of blaming that other person, event, or thing is complaining about that other person, event or thing.

It's an ugly cycle that can lead to apathy, unfulfillment and even depression.

3 Linguistic “Tells” to Tell If You’re Stuck in a Blame Game

There are three linguistic “tells” that tell if you are not ABSOLUTELY in love with ALL your life  - your body, your business, all of your wondrous relationships - right now. Check in with yourself and observe how often are you using these phrases in your day-to-day life.

No.1 - “_____ made me...”

This tell immediately deflects your power away from you and onto the other person. Why? Because it immediately takes away your power of choice.

We all have the glorious power to make a choice. One of my favorite books on the planet is holocaust survivor and renowned psychotherapist Victor Frankel’s Man’s Search for Meaning. With everything stripped away from him, he used his experiences in the concentration camps to study human behavior, both that of the prisoners and the Nazis.

What he found was that even then in the most oppressive regime in the world at that time, there was still a power to choose. While, in his circumstances, you might not like the alternative choice - death, in the extreme cases - you still have the power to choose your response.

Fortunately, most of our choices are not life or death choices. Your boyfriend “made you” feel inadequate and that’s why you flipped out on him. Your coach “made you” launch a product you weren’t happy with and that’s why it didn’t succeed. Your best friend “made you” eat that cookie and that’s why you feel bloated.

No one can “make you” do anything.

Own your feelings. Own your response. Put your big girl panties on and show up in your power...in the power of your choice.

No.2 - “It’s ______’s fault  as to why I _______.”

This tell It deflects blame from onto the thing, rather than onto to source.  This creates what’s called in NLP, a complex equivalence, which means you attach meaning to something specific, or you have two statements, one behavioral and one capability that you attach to mean the same.

It’s like saying A = B, when really  A equals A and B equals B. They are two totally different letters. No brainer, right?

You’re attaching meaning to whatever you fill in the blank with and blaming that person, place, experience, or thing for you not having the results you want.

Ex. It’s my ex-husband fault. He held me back.

Ex. It’s the accountants fault, as to why I am broke.

Ex. It’s my kids fault as to why I never have the time to work on my business.

I don’t know about you, but when I see each of these statements, I see a giant wagging finger of blame, blame, blame. And you know what they say when you point a finger at someone else...there’s three pointing right back at you.

And here’s the problem with blame, you can’t change someone else. The only person you can change is yourself. But, when you blame, you deflect your ability to change based off of someone else's behavior, leaving you with no personal responsibility to change.

The key here is to forgive. Forgiveness automatically creates this beautiful space for healing.

Yes, forgive the other person. But, most importantly, forgive yourself for the amount of time, energy and effort you have put into blaming that has prevented you from actually taking new action, so you get new results.

No.3 - “Because ____ that’s why I ______…”

“Because” is one of the most powerful words to understand for blame. Usually what follows a “because” is the underlying reason. Now, not all reasons are created equal. There are good reasons which expand and grow your capacity, potential, and business. And there are bad reasons that limit you. Bad reasons can also be translated as excuses or limiting beliefs. Both are a complex equivalence.

“Because” ties a behavior, an action, something that happened to you, with a capability.

Ex. Because my ex-wife bankrupted me, that’s why I’m not a success.

Ex. Because of my dad’s abusive behavior, that’s why I can’t find love.

Ex. Because I’m pregnant, that’s why I can’t start a business.

You can tell when a “because” is being used for blame because it’s basically saying, “If it wasn’t for ____, then I would be.”

The only way out of the blame game is through honesty, awareness, and ownership. You’ve got to lead yourself out with Love. No one else can do it for you.

It goes back to forgiveness. Forgiving others. And, most importantly, forgiving yourself. Forgiveness creates space in your life for something new and better to flow in...like love.

That's why I invite you to join me, and my friend Amanda, a recovered self sabotager, who was able to apply these steps to shift from being stuck at war for years, to feeling 100 % empowered and at peace. We are launching  “Lead With Love: How to win by being the loving woman that you are!"

This is a FREE interview series based on the three steps necessary to practice the art of Leading With Love: Honesty, Responsibility and Choice.

Three of my favorite subjects!

If you are a powerful woman destined for great things, but you’re not quite there yet (because you get triggered and lash out behind closed doors) you will learn how to live out your full potential, attract the right clients and show up as the loving woman you are  - no matter what goes on around you!

We begin March 1st, 2019, and you can reserve your spot here.

Best part, it’s FREE! Just like love.

There is a powerful Queen inside of you. It’s up to you to unlock the barriers of blame that have been holding her back from burgeoning forth. But, when you lead with love, you win by being the loving, amazing woman that you are already inside.

And love is best when shared. So if you found this blog valuable, please love on it, click the heart and share it with a friend who needs a little less complaining, and a little more love in her life.

Love always.