Transforming Consciousness: Detaching with Love for Personal and Parental Growth
I'm Kimberly Spencer, your host of Crown Yourself podcast, and I'm thrilled to share with you some insights from my latest episode. This one is a deeply personal journey, a tale of transformation, love, and the profound impact of motherhood.
👶 The Birth of a Mother: My son Declan has been a phenomenal force in my life. His arrival not only birthed him into the world but also birthed me into a deeper sense of motherhood. It's a magical bond that has the power to transmute and transform.
💞 Love vs. Attachment: This episode delves into the difference between love and attachment. Detachment doesn't mean not loving, but rather freeing ourselves from the energy that binds us to others. It's a concept inspired by Buddha's teaching that the root of suffering is attachment.
😱 Facing Fears and Challenges: As a new mother, I faced my share of fears and challenges, including a potential diagnosis for Declan. This journey led me to healing and growth, and I'm excited to share this with you.
⚠️ The Drama Triangle: Many of us get caught in the drama triangle, playing the roles of victim, villain, or hero. I share a story about a client who blamed himself for his ex-wife's struggles, highlighting that attachment isn't about being responsible for everything others do.
👩👶👶 Detaching with Love: I discuss my son's daring athletic activities and how I had to detach from my fears to support him. It's a call for all of us to examine our own attachments and the energy we may be draining from others.
🧘 Transformative Consciousness: Detaching with love creates a space of support and guidance, allowing for the greatest transformation of consciousness.
I hope these insights spark your curiosity and inspire you to listen to the full episode. If you know someone who may be struggling with attachment, please share this with them. Let's spread love and wisdom!
Transcript:
Kimberly Spencer (00:00:00) - Hello, my fellow Sovereigns. I am so honored and excited to share with you this very special episode on a very special day because on this day I was born again. Not from a religious standpoint, but I believe that when you become a mother when you become a parent who you have been, it completely dies. You shift into an entirely new identity. And there is a period of massive transition and transformation. And in this episode, I'm going to share a few things that I experienced that I really haven't opened up publicly about for various reasons regarding my first year is as as a mom to the amazing, talented Declan, and I am so proud to be his mom. I am so proud of what he's going to do in this world. And as everyone at his camp now calls him Little D because he is a little smaller and for some of the reasons that I'll share with you on this podcast. But he is so phenomenal. And may have given birth to him, but he is the one that birthed me to really be the mother, the leader that I knew I needed to rise into.
Kimberly Spencer (00:01:25) - And when I was first starting out my business, because I like to say that I was raising twins because when I started really actually paying attention to my business and growing my business, when I found out I was pregnant with Declan prior to that, I was doing a year and a half of like dabbling and all the productive procrastination, like, bullshit. I'm starting a business sort of things like business cards and photoshoots and things that don't actually produce revenue. But when I knew I had to become like, I knew I was becoming a mother, like that changed everything for me. And he was the catalyst. He was the fire inside of me. He transformed me and I tell him now, I say, Declan, you are magic. And he's like, Why? I said, Well, magic. Magic transforms magic and transmutes its alchemy. And I said You transformed me into being a mom. And he and Declan normally will ask like, Well, what about Colton? And I said, Well, Colton may not have transformed me into being a mom because I already was a mom.
Kimberly Spencer (00:02:26) - But he transformed you into being a big brother. And if we just take a look at the magic and the magical roles that we have in each other's lives from a place of love and the power that our influence has in other people's lives to transmute, it comes from love. And in this episode, I really lean into what is the difference between love and attachment. Because that was the biggest challenge that I had to face as a parent was making that delineation. And I hope this episode serves. If you're a new mom or a or becoming a parent or you have your you know, you're on your 12th child and you're like still very attached to your kids wherever you are in your life. Or maybe even if you're not planning on having children and that's where you're going in life too, that's totally fine because attachment comes in all forms. Attachment can be to a political party, it can be to a religion, it can be to a belief system, it can be to a partner. It can be a concept, an idea.
Kimberly Spencer (00:03:39) - And as I say in this podcast episode, as the Buddha said, the root of all suffering is attachment. And so I encourage you and I hope that through this episode you find a new level of peace and peace that comes from pure love, pure joy that is sourced from source. So with that, let's go to the episode. Welcome to the Crown Yourself podcast, where together we build your empire and transform your subconscious stories about what's possible for your business, body, and life. I'm your host, Kimberly Spencer, founder of Crown Yourself and I'm a master mindset coach, bestselling author, and TEDx speaker, known to my clients as a game changer. Each week you get the conscious leadership strategies you need to help you reign with courage, clarity, and confidence so that you too can make the income and impact you deserve. Imagine this podcast as your royal invitation to step into your full potential and reign in your divine purpose. Your sovereignty starts here and your reign is now. Hello. Hello, my fellow sovereigns, and welcome back to another episode of the Crown Yourself podcast.
Kimberly Spencer (00:05:03) - I am so honored and excited to be here with you today. As always, give yourself a hot dose of gratitude for choosing content that uplifts and inspires and champions, and challenges you. Because I'm going to share with you one of the biggest challenges that I have ever faced, ever in my life. And this is a challenging topic for many, many, many, many parents I know we don't have I know not all of you, maybe parents, but maybe you have a fur baby. Maybe you have a cat who's also considered her baby. Maybe you have a turtle or a fish, a baby, or plants. But this episode is really about detachment. So detachment is a tough topic when it comes to that which we truly, deeply, deeply love. Powerfully love. Right? Like our kids or dogs, maybe our home, our partners, our families, you know, detachment and attachment styles. And I'll do a whole other podcast episode on attachment styles. But when we talk about detaching, it does not mean first, not loving.
Kimberly Spencer (00:06:20) - It means detaching and detaching. I like to think about it as if we have this energy in the ancient Hawaiian Huna. They called it Akka. And it's a it's a sticky substance. It's maybe other people call it aura, but there's an energy around us. And when we connect and attach to each other, we're sticking our akka together. And that's okay. But sometimes it traps you in a perception of who somebody is, even though they've evolved or are evolving, and you don't get to see them anew. In Buddhism, you've probably heard that the Buddha said the root of suffering, of suffering is attachment. So what does it mean? How do we detach from that which we love? Deeply. When I first became a mother to Declan, I. Since it was a Netflix special. I think I saw the video or the TV show, quite frankly, being a dad on Netflix when I gave birth and I was watching it with my cousin and he goes, Oh my God, my cousins basically like like my brother.
Kimberly Spencer (00:07:44) - And he's watching it and he sees my face. After I'd given birth to Declan and he was like, Oh my God, Kim, you look terrified. And I didn't want to accept that at the moment, but I was like, I was. I look at my face now, and I'm like, Oh my God, I was scared shitless. Now, granted, this is after 24 hours of intense labor and then pushing a baby out with no painkillers. So then suddenly you go through that massive transformative experience and then they hand you a little bundle of crying, beautiful, screaming responsibility. And you're like, Oh, like my response was genuinely fuck. Like, I love my son. Let me be very clear. I absolutely love my son. And holding him was the first time I realized I had so much love and so much fear simultaneously at the same time, coinciding, clashing in an epic battle for dominance. Because I was so in love and so deeply scared of anything being wrong.
Kimberly Spencer (00:09:00) - Then three days after Declan was born, we got some news. Not that anything was wrong, but that there was just a potential for something and that he and he received a diagnosis. And it scared the shit out of me. And I felt so much shame and so much heartache and so much fear. And I felt like I did something wrong. And I didn't realize that Declan was literally, as our children so often are, the mirror for my deepest unconscious fear was being fundamentally flawed. And I was so scared that in some way that this label that doctors wanted to put on him was going to be everlasting. That was going to be this thing. So I had a lot I had about a year of some deep fear, trauma, and work healing, while simultaneously also growing a business from scratch that I was working through. And thankfully I've done enough work and enough healing and enough separation and enough revelation to have shifted my perspective. But originally, like, I mean, that's every mother's worst fear.
Kimberly Spencer (00:10:31) - It's every parent's worst fear. And while Spike was never he literally was like, I'm not scared of it. Like, what are you talking about? I was terrified. And every time he got sick, I was terrified. It was something worse. And thank God I did the healing and did the work and did also the study as well into the new German medicine paradigm. Dr. Bruce Lipton's The Biology of Belief. Dr. Joe Dispenza Like seeing miracles in front of me or what science would label as miracles because, beyond that label that was attached to Declan, I had to realize that I had attached my identity to him. And now your kid doesn't have to be diagnosed with something or have a label attached to them to have that experience. I've seen many a mom struggle with a deep attachment to their kids, deep self-sacrifice, so much self-sacrifice that they're losing themselves and their identity becomes being a parent instead of being a sovereign being. And it is one of the hardest things when you're so wrapped up in so much love for your children, but at the same time, detaching from the outcome of who your children are is essential to your happiness, to your being able to pave the way because you are not them like.
Kimberly Spencer (00:12:09) - And yes, biologically as a mother, when you carry a child with you like there is cellular crossing of the barrier walls. I recently read this and was just blown away. So yeah, your kids are a part of you. That's why moms can feel their children from miles away. They can have that intuitive knowing of just knowing something happened, of knowing something like my mom would always like. There were times when my mom would call me right before I was about to press hit call because she was like, I just felt like you needed to call me. You needed to talk. And mothers have that. It's like a deep internal knowing because, at some level, our kids are us. But the paradox is, is that they're not as well. And the same can be mirrored for your business as well. Like there is a belief that, Oh, your business is you, it's a part of you. It's definitely stemming from you. But the more you detach yourself, the more you can actually truly love.
Kimberly Spencer (00:13:13) - Truly love because what is attachment? And it wasn't until I really was working through a lot of attachments that, had my second child and realized something was very like that. I'd grown and evolved with how I was with Colton because I didn't feel that deep so much of an attachment or a fear as much as I did with Declan. So I was like, Yay, I've grown, I've evolved. But then beyond that, when I went to my training, which is an advanced partial acceleration program with my mentor, who is a Hawaiian shaman, she was she's phenomenal. She's master NLP, coach, teacher, just, you know, just transformative. And I was doing this very deep introspective work and I was journaling, and it came to me that attachment is like a succubus, basically. When you are attached, you are sucking the life force, the aka the generating energy from the other person because that is attachment or from the thing you're sucking the life force because it's in it's you're attached to it. So you literally are like a succubus.
Kimberly Spencer (00:14:32) - Like I just see this, like this attachment to this other thing. Person. It can be anything, any person. And so when the Buddha said that the root of all suffering is attachment. It comes from because you're literally, if you think of it metaphorically as a succubus, pulling the life force out of something that in good karma will create suffering. So what love is love is when you can fully detach. And love yourself fully as you are. As who you are. And know the extent of what is your 100%. So many of my clients, when we're working together, struggle with being in the drama triangle where in the drama triangle it was a concept created in the 1960s where you're either in the victim role, the villain role, or the hero role. And a lot of my clients, because they're so good-hearted humans, they hate being in the victim role. I hate being in the victim role, but the villain role can be quite appealing where you are the bad guy of your own story, where everything must be your fault because of some subconscious reason, and or the hero role where you have to like run in and save everyone.
Kimberly Spencer (00:16:05) - I definitely ensnared myself in that triangle on more than one occasion for years and years. But when you're in that role of the villain, you have the perception that everything is your fault. And so you take responsibility for 100% of what you do. And then also for 100% of what everybody else does. And here's the thing about attachment is you ain't responsible for that 100% of what everybody else does. As I was telling one of my clients who is going through, not going through, he had been through a divorce and it was like a decade ago and his ex-wife was still struggling, was still struggling to let go, was still struggling to stand on her own, find her own path. And he blamed himself for that. And I said, look, man, like she's had a decade to get her shit together. Like, at what point is it no longer your fault? At what point is it no longer you? And this was something that when I was working with my coach around my perceptions of Declan and my attachment to him, she said, At what point is this something that he needs to go through? That may be his soul incarnated on this planet for some specific reason to go through this.
Kimberly Spencer (00:17:30) - And I know exactly what that is. I was shown it literally six months after we received the official diagnosis, and I said he was here to defy medical traditional medical standards, period. That's it. And a story. Like I just knew. And I also knew that because there's no technical cure, I was going to do everything in my power to showcase that. Lifestyle choices, food, health, vitamins, everything I could. That lifestyle plays such a huge factor in whether the diagnosis actually manifests or actually just is what it is, which is just a label. Whether that happens or not. My coach really guided me through that perception of like is maybe this is his karma. You don't know his karma. And I was like, Oh, fuck, yeah. Even though he's my child, he came to this world with a specific purpose. And it is my job to be a guide to facilitate the space for him to change, to give him tools. But it's not my job to control his karma.
Kimberly Spencer (00:18:49) - It's my job to guide him into taking ownership of his choices. It's my job to showcase some new tools, and some opportunities to facilitate opportunities for him. It's my job to guide him and maybe, like, give him a little course correction, but to control his karma. As a parent, that's not your job. And that's what attachment really is. It's us projecting a judgment that we're trying to control somebody else's karma because we're so attached to who they are. And that may not be who they evolve into or who their divine purpose was supposed to be. So when I had this image last year of the succubus, finally, I had the conversation with God's Angels source Universe, and I said, I am fully open to loving, unconditionally, wholly, and fully to guiding and facilitating transformation. And I detach from the outcome of what my kids may or may not need to go through. And believe me, then I was faced with this attachment crisis again because as Colton got older, I could see that Colton got bolder.
Kimberly Spencer (00:20:12) - Colton My goodness, he is the epitome of like, he's going to do some, like, crazy things in his life. I am sure of it. Like he is going to be the free wall rock climbing guy He is. He climbs with such ease and courage and like just looks down from a height that's eight feet above me. And I'm looking. I'm like, Oh, okay, you're up there. All right, let's get you down or guide you or like, let me just spot you. But man, like, I see him and I'm like, okay, I, I need to detach from my opinion of, of certain things in order to, like, I will guide him to keep him as safe as possible. But he already has this natural desire to do bigger athletic things, very daring, athletic things from heights. And that's a big part of also loving him is allowing him to fully be in that space. And I'm like, Yeah, it scares the shit out of me.
Kimberly Spencer (00:21:23) - And that's where his heart is. Happy is climbing as he looks at me. He goes, I run, I climb Mama. And he gets so happy when he's like up on top of these monkey bars, staring down. And he's so joyous that that is where I look at my attachment to his life, to his safety. And I spot him and I do everything I can to facilitate and support him and keep him safe, of course. And like it's guiding his choices. And being able to detach from the outcome of what it is you want your kids to do. Of course, you as a parent want your kids to be safe. Of course, you as your as a parent, want your kids to outlive you. Of course, you as a parent want your kids to be well and thriving and healthy and happy and have an abundant long life. And as a parent, also one of the greatest and hardest things you will ever do is make the choice to love and detach and let them find and create their own path in this world, especially based on their human design.
Kimberly Spencer (00:22:37) - I have a manifesting generator and a manifester like those boys are meant to ignite some fires and start up some shit and change the world in some way. That and do go boldly into the universe. Like I know that Declan wants to be an astronaut and that like, I am going to have to detach from my fear of space so that he can fully lean into that which he wants to create for his life. So how do you need to detach? Who is that person or loved one or thing in your life that you have an attachment to that you are sucking the life force from them? Because this was the biggest revelation for me. I never, ever want to steal life force from my children. I want them to feel vibrant and whole and complete and have full agency over their energy. Being a succubus, attaching to their energy, attaching to their outcomes. It only creates suffering for both parties. So clear out your karma queen and choose. To lovingly detach and create the space of love, of pure love, safety, support and facilitation, and guidance for those who literally look up to you, especially if they're two years old.
Kimberly Spencer (00:24:04) - They are literally looking up to you unless they're giant children. But this can also be for your team. This could also be for your career. This could also be to your money. This could also be to your dog. Choosing to love and create the space of love and attaching from the outcome of who they are and what their karma is leading them toward, that they need to work through themselves. That's transformative love. That's the love THAtrillionEALLY supports and facilitates the greatest transformation of consciousness on this planet. So if you've listened this far and you've enjoyed the stories and you felt it in your heart to share, to connect, or to give this to another parent or another person who is maybe struggling with their own attachment issues, then share this along. I so appreciate it when you do. Thank you so much. And just continue to choose love because we got this. As always, own your throne. Mind your business because your reign is now. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If what you heard resonated with you, be sure to subscribe and start creating a bigger impact now by sharing this with a friend.
Kimberly Spencer (00:25:19) - Just by doing that one simple act of kindness, you are creating a royal ripple to support more people in their sovereignty. And if you're not already following me on social media, connect with me everywhere at Crown yourself now for more inspiration. I am so excited to connect with you in the next episode and in the meantime, go out there and create a body, business, and life that rules because today you crown yourself.