Loving on the loathing.

I used to hide from the parts of myself I hated - the hypocrite, the negative, the jealous bitch, the victim, the whiny brat. 

Typically, I’m a  pretty positive person. 

BUT THERE ARE DAYS WHEN THE DOUBT RAGES OR THE FEAR FEELS ALL TOO CONSUMING.

And usually, there is a thought - just one on repeat that’s like “It’s a small world,” where now you can’t get it out of your head, can you?

And it’s there. And it sucks.

Problem is…

Ignoring it.

PRETENDING LIKE IT DOESN’T EXIST. 

Trying to “think positive” your way out of it.

Yeah, that doesn’t work. 

Having coached high-achieving personal development junkies for the past four years, I’ve seen this fear. It’s practically a version of having any feelings that don’t match the “high positive vibes” we typically live in day to today. 

IF NEGATIVITY IS YOUR KRYPTONITE TOO, KEEP READING.

Because what happens when you, for a moment, get stabbed with your own kryptonite? You feel the inner pangs of your own fear, doubt, frustration, shame, or whatever other Superwoman-crushing feelings, you feel, that make you….

GASP!

Human.

Dun. Dun. Duuuuuuuun.

And you have to face that reflection of yourself - the shadow, the dark hazy sharpness you viciously have battled and conquered so many times. 

Yes, it is both your Divine and your humanity that you must honor in those moments. 

TRYING TO PRETEND THAT SHADOW DOESN’T EXIST ONLY MAKES THE MONSTER UNDER THE BED GET BIGGER AND BIGGER IN YOUR HEAD.

I learned this the hard way after I gave birth to Declan. I was doing all the things in my business, it was growing...slowly. But, for the first time in our relationship, I had started to make more money than my husband and that got me feeling a lot more pressure - as a mom, as a business owner, as a wife. 

I COULDN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I REALLY WASN’T OKAY. I DIDN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I NEEDED HELP. I NEEDED TO ASK FOR MORE SUPPORT FROM SPIKE, I WAS STRUGGLING...HARD. 

So I did what I’ve seen many positive-minded, personal-development junkies do - I escaped into the work. I was doing live streams, and challenges, and launches, and sales, and the stories, kept building up. I, instead, started doing more - more in my morning routine, more in my business, more breastfeeding, more time on my computer - because of course if I just kept DOING more work, then this thing, this shadow, this STUFF I didn’t like about me not feeling like I was enough would go away, right? 

What, of course, I’m enough to be able to handle it on my own?

Nah.

The shadow started to morph into stories about Spike that were filled with resentment and blame - not a pretty picture. 

It was my certified high-performance coach who called me out. And, yes, I had a certified high-performance coach, even though I am one because leaders have to be led...and thank God I did.

“If you ask your husband to do something, does he do it?” she asked me. 

“Yeah, why?” I asked. 

“So how often are you asking your husband for more help?”

Ugh. Called out on my own bullshit.

YOU SEE, I HAD TO REALIZE THAT I LOATHED THE FACT THAT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I WAS ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO “DO IT ALL.” 

I projected that loathing onto my husband...when really, it was 100% me. 

I was mad at myself for not feeling like I was enough.

And then, on top of that anger, I stacked on shame and guilt for feeling anger in the first place... 

Turning that anger-shame-shit pile of shadow into a couple of months of undeserved animosity.

WHAT IF, INSTEAD I HAD LOOKED ON THOSE INITIAL FEELINGS OF “NOT-ENOUGHNESS” AND JUST LOVED ON THEM?

It was Einstein who said, “No problem can be solved with the same consciousness that created it.”