“Picking Your Brain” is For People Pleasers
“You wanna grab coffee, sometime? I’d love to pick your brain.”
Would you ever say that to a doctor? Or a therapist? Or a lawyer?
“Hey, doc! I’ve got this thing going on in my stomach? You wanna grab coffee, sometimes? I’d love to pick your brain about what it could be.”
No! You’d make an appointment, pay the bill, and go have the freaking doctor check out your issue.
Yet, so often, I’ve seen service-based entrepreneurs, especially when we first start out and are hungry for clients, we allow ourselves to be deluded by the “pick your brain” verbal opt-in thinking that it’s going to lead to that person becoming a client.
More often than not, I’ve seen the “pick your brain over coffee” really be - you doing the coaching, pouring your heart and soul out, and divulging your years of information and experience onto the table...for the price of a $5 cup of coffee. Ouch.
If you’re lucky it’s an $8 venti with whip. But still, it ain’t your normal coaching rate.
And, sadly, both of you get what you pay for.
YOU MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A DOCTOR BECAUSE YOU VALUE HIS OR HER PROFESSIONAL OPINION.
Now, in your area of expertise, why is your professional opinion any less qualified or VALUABLE with your years of experience, knowledge, certifications, degrees in your field?
Here’s the other problem, the “pick your brain” game…
If they value your professional work at the level of a cup of coffee, then they also will value the advice, knowledge, and experiences you share at the level of a cup of coffee as well.
...Which means, they will take it with a grain of salt, instead of really integrating, and taking action on it.
It serves no one, wastes your time and, energetically, is disrespectful to the time/effort/energy/work that you have put into learning, studying, and working in your chosen profession.
So why do we say yes? Or worse, offer “coffee-chats” or “strategy sessions” in our business?
It comes down the reeking, smell of desperation, insecurity, and “neediness,” which never works in any form of relationship.
Imagine having a man completely fall all over himself, trying waaaaaaaay too hard, trying to impress you with his knowledge, skills, and achievements, so that hopefully...hopefully...maybe one day you’ll say yes to a relationship with him.
Um...again...no. Thanks, but no thanks.
The people-pleasing, “oh-dear-god-please-like-me” vibes will keep you and your business stuck and broke.
Now, of course, you could throw shade and say, but Kim, don’t you do 22-Minute Espresso Chats in your business?
Absolutely! Yes, 100%, and I freaking LOOOOOOVE them.
But they are for ME! (Yeah...you thought they were for you ;))
I do them, honestly, for my own soul, for my own love of connecting with my community. I do it for my loooove of having human-to-human interaction. I do it for my hunger to understand human behavior, psychology, people. Totally selfish, I know...and that’s okay.
And, I also do it while holding some pretty crystal-freaking clear boundaries in place as well.
The energy, intention, and boundaries YOU set in your business are the foundation and the gates to your kingdom.
YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF DECIDING, AS THE QUEEN OF YOUR KINGDOM, WHO AND HOW PEOPLE GET TO COME AND GO…AS YOU PLEASE.
Not as they please.
For me, I love having these short chats, will I always have or do them in my business, no. I recorded a Princess and the B podcast episode on exactly why that’s the case that’s coming out next week, so stay tuned.
I will say that NOTHING has moved my business faster than building relationships and 1:1 conversations, even when I don’t do them with the intention of selling, conversions, or having people become coaching clients.
People do business with people.
And business relationships are just like every other form of relationship, they require the know-like-trust factor that is built through CONSISTENCY of putting yourself out there.
So if you’re just starting out in your business, I DO recommend having as many conversations as possible to grow your business, and if you do follow these steps.
The Virtual Chat Conversation Process
NO.1 - BE CLEAR ON THE INTENTION OF THE CONVERSATION
This is both for you and the other person.
For example, if you have a 22-Minute Espresso chat with me, I share that I do not sell or “pitch” on the call. These calls are just to get to know you, what you’re going through and to connect, like humans talking about stuff they’re passionate about - like The Greatest Showman, personal growth, entrepreneurship, mindset, books, vision, leadership, and revolutionizing the way we show up in the world.
(And, really, I hope you do geek out as much about your own products and serves as you do about movies and books you love. But that’s a blog for another day.)
I do this because I love a high-vibe conversation.
I do it because I truly loooooooove talking 1;1 with amazing humans and discovering more about who you are and what you do and why you do what you do in the world.
If you do these conversations from a “need” or desperation, or to try to “prove” that you’re a business person, so you’re going to pretend you care when all you want is their money - STOP.
STOP THAT SHT*T RIGHT NOW.
Please for the love of all things holy...and reassess your priorities, sista!
When your intention and your ENERGY is from a place of love, service, and a desire to truly transform people, they feel it.
When your ENERGY is from a place of neediness, they also feel it, and odds are those that you attract to your business will not be the ones you want to keep in your business.
The same intention is clear if you have a 90-minute consult with me, I tell you in the first 10 minutes, the intention of the call - to serve you, to give you massive breakthroughs, to start crafting a strategy and a plan, and I let you know that IF I believe you’re a fit for my other products and services, I will happily share those with you about 10-15 minutes before the end of the call.
Be honest with your intentions and you will attract people who have the same level of integrity, service, and intention to your business.
NO.2 - KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES
Time is one of them. You set the time limit. It’s YOUR business after all. They’re coming into YOUR kingdom and YOU decide how long their audience with the Queen will last.
Content is another. Like a doctor knows when a cut needs a bandaid and when a cut is a gangrenous wound that needs to be operated on, you know what content will work within the boundaries of the time you allot for the conversation.
Say you’re a relationship coach, you know that if a client comes into this conversation who is struggling with intimacy, connection, and communication - those are not issues that can be fixed in 20 minutes! The same is true if you’re a health coach. You know if a client comes to you with acne and symptoms of fibromyalgia, you can give them a tip, at best to help them, but it’s a bandaid on a wound. The same is true if you’re a marketing consultant. You know you can’t fix someone’s entire top of the funnel Facebook ads spend issue in 20 minutes. Ain’t going to happen.
If you know that a conversation is going to require a deeper dive, share that. That’s not selling, that’s being of service and letting your person know that they’ve got a gangrenous wound going down and a bandaid simply ain’t going to work...even though they would like to think it will.
NO.3 - HOLD THE BOUNDARIES FROM NO.2
This means, that when you have a 22-minute conversation. Now, am I perfect at this? Not always. But, remember, I go for 80% of the time, and 80% of the time, we end on the dot.
I see a lot of new coaches and consultants go overtime - sometimes twenty, thirty, even forty minutes - with the desire to serve and deliver massive value. If this is you, scroll back up and re-read the people-pleasing-please-like-me rant, pleeeeeease.
YOU TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. YOU TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO INTERACT WITH YOUR BUSINESS.
If you don’t value your time, why should they? TIME is your most precious resource.
If you train people to not value your time, they won’t.
If you let people walk all over your boundary, you break your integrity.
And gangstas, prospects, and customers won’t take you seriously.
Act from alignment.
Be honest about and aligned with your hustle, and you’ll attract your soul-mate clients, instead of chasing them down with neediness, greed, and trying to “prove” something to someone.
The more honest (aka authentic) you are about yourself as a business owner, and a Queen of service, purpose, mission, and alignment, the more you will attract the same into your world.
Like attracts like after all.