Kimberly Spencer (00:00:00) - Most conscious leaders will say that shame is the lowest vibration emotion, and you should completely eliminate it. Timeline therapy the hell out of it and let that shit go so you can climb up the emotional vibration scale to like courage and love. However, in this episode, I'm diving into how shame can actually be a really powerful motivator when the fear of shame can actually drive you to succeed at new, higher levels. Stay tuned. Welcome to the Crown Yourself podcast, where together we build your empire and transform your subconscious stories about what's possible for your business, body and life. I'm your host, Kimberly Spencer, founder of Crown Yourself. Com and I'm a master mindset coach, bestselling author, TEDx speaker known to my clients as a game changer. Each week you get the conscious leadership strategies you need to help you reign with courage, clarity, and confidence so that you too, can make the income and impact you deserve. Imagine this podcast as your royal invitation to step into your full potential and reign in your divine purpose.
Kimberly Spencer (00:01:07) - Your sovereignty starts here and your reign is now. Hey there, it's Kimberly Spencer, back with the Crown Yourself podcast, founder of Crown Yourself. And I am so honored to be back here with you because I am fired up. I just had an amazing interview, getting to interview one of our communication Queen celebrities, Meghan, Camille and and I am so honored and excited for just the podcast that we're getting our celebrities booked on through that business. It is such a ride. And this year the tide has shifted. Last year I faced some deeply personal initiations and one of which inspired me to see shame in a whole different light because I was reading Steven Pressfield The Warrior Ethos, and in it he describes the difference between guilt and shame. And I'm going to grab the book so I can read it. Steven Pressfield writes the warrior advancing into battle or simply resolving to keep up the fight, is more afraid of disgrace in the eyes of his brothers than he is of the spears and lances of the enemy. And he talks about that individuals in a guilt based culture internalize their society's conceptions of right and wrong.
Kimberly Spencer (00:02:26) - The center fuels his crime and his guts. He doesn't need anyone to convict him. He convicts and sentences himself. A shame based culture is actually the opposite and in a shame based culture face is everything. So like who you are, your integrity. Like literally the terms saving face, that's everything. And all that matters is what the community believes of us. And now I am not 100% for like using shame or negative emotions as a driver. But in reading this book about the warrior ethos and you all know that my TEDx talk was called Becoming a Warrior for possibility. So I'm obsessed with this like warrior mentality. And Joan of Arc is someone that if I could answer one of my common interview questions for our rapid fire, but she would be one of the people that I would want to be in her body lived as she lived for a day, see how she thought for a day, and experience the level of intuition and communication with the divine realm like that would be. She would be someone that I would 100% be on board with being in.
Kimberly Spencer (00:03:30) - And I literally have scribbled on my mirror, I have no fear. I was born to do this. Like that was one of her quotes. And the reason why Joan of Arc is so well quoted is because of during her inquisition, everything she said was recorded. So everything she said, it remains in posterity and it's an in its integrity because it is like literal court case data, like quotations and citations that are required from the court. And so while I don't mandate for living by other people's opinions, while I don't take a stand for that, I do think that there is something within us that needs to be tapped into that goes that surpasses our own ego, which the ego can be driven by guilt. We can flog ulit and self flog ourselves all the time. But the problem is, is that that doesn't inspire us to rise so that we never have to experience the shame of letting our fellow people down, letting our clients down, letting anybody down, and that we operate in such integrity with our word.
Kimberly Spencer (00:04:42) - And I think what's inspired me is that recently I've seen in several different industries this belief that of not delivering on the services that you say that you provide and of just kind of a non-committal ness of, you know, oh, you know, that didn't work out. And I know I promised that I would do this for you, but it's not really working out. So I'm just gonna kind of quit like that is. And then and then the person who quits, like they feel guilty, but the other person is left, like, feeling like, left high and dry, and they're like, hey, that really sucked. And it taints that person, the, the the person who did that. It taints their reputation. And in a warrior culture, your reputation as to who you are in this. World and in this realm is everything. And I think that there are pros and cons to this approach, but I am inviting you to challenge your own perspective as to how do you value your reputation, and how can you use shame as a motivator? Or like the fear of shaming and letting down the people that you say that you are here to serve, letting down your queendom, letting down your.
Kimberly Spencer (00:05:54) - Whether it's letting down your family, letting down your team, letting down your people like that shame based society. The fear of the of experiencing the shame can actually be motivating to actually succeed. And it can come from a space of such love and deep devotion to those whom you serve that you would rather face. And this is extreme, that you would rather face death, then lose face with the people that you say that you serve. And this is extreme. Like I know that we're like, but if you were to imagine your level of service as a leader, as a business owner, to your team, to your family, to your clients with that level of regard and devotion, that, oh my God, the thought of not even showing up, the thought of not participating, the thought of not playing full out, is so abhorrent to your veins because you would it would feel like the death of the face that you have been working on building up for yourself and your own self-worth like that can be a game changer in perspective.
Kimberly Spencer (00:07:14) - Whereas most people, especially in a in a Judeo-Christian culture, live in a guilt based society and because of the guilt. And I'm not saying this is just for people of the Judeo-Christian faith. I am saying that in general, I have seen a lot of people driven and motivated. Buy gilts in an in a way that they create self-fulfilling prophecies of self-sabotage versus in. A shame based society where, like Steven Pressfield talks about how the Marine Corps is a shame based how the Romans, how Alexander's Macedonians and the Spartans, these were all shame based. And the shame is in not displaying courage. And I think when we look at the warrior ethos, it stems from courage and making those courageous based moves and using your courage to inspire those you serve. And if you think about your kingdom or your queendom and inspiring everyone around you as someone who is invited into the presence of your home and into your reality, every single follower that you have online, that your job is to show up and to encourage and to bring courage and courage, whether through your own encouraging words or through your example of your life and it just being witnessed online, whatever that form is how you demonstrate courage.
Kimberly Spencer (00:08:59) - If you are not demonstrating courage on a daily basis, which a lot of people aren't, let's be honest. If we've seen scroll, if you scroll through social media for a hot second, but I challenge you like what if you actually thought through the lens of this, this of courage, where every post, every interaction, every engagement with every human, you had the courage to ask the questions that needed to be asked, to inspire and encourage them to, that maybe they can rise even higher, then maybe they can do a little better. Maybe they can get back up one more time. Because the shame and the the fear of not would be so rejected by the society. Something I love within our Crowne Yourself community is the courageous actions of every single human who I am getting to, to interact with. It is that they move forward with boldness and decisiveness, sometimes into the complete unknown, not knowing if it's going to work out or not. And the thing is, is when I look at the Enneagram and the Enneagram is a tool, just like human design, just like astrology and many high achievers like the driver is shame.
Kimberly Spencer (00:10:19) - And so how can we use shame to navigate us forward in a positive way? And how we do that is through a collective consciousness shift to courage, where anything less than acting with courage and love is shamed and is you lose your face and you lose your reputation. And you will see this in general online anyways, where you see someone expressing their authenticity and you see people in the comments completely tearing them down. And that experience of getting torn down, that is actually the act of something that should be shamed and say, people say, hey, this person is showing up courageously and authentically in their truth. You may not like it, that's fine, but show up in your own way and your own truth. Let it be. And I think when we can challenge how we show up because of the fear of damaging our reputation and using it in and not just our reputation for the sake of our ego or own pride, but the repute to be regarded as something or being. And what is it that your reputation is not necessarily egoic? It can be.
Kimberly Spencer (00:11:39) - But how do you want to be perceived by others? And that's a choice. It comes down to a choice. And now, if you want to be perceived as someone who is inspiring and a thought leader, you're going to have to go out there in the internet realms or in your community and step out with courage. You're going to say some things that may ruffle some feathers, and that's okay, because you're ruffling feathers for the goal of having people step forward in their sovereignty. To having more freedom. I would not be a good coach if I heard somebody saying, yeah, I want to have a multi-million dollar business. I want to work, you know, just, you know, five hours a day and, you know, this is what I want to do and say, okay, yeah, you can have that. And and then they don't have the and say, oh no, it's okay. You don't have to have the courage to go out there and hire a team to support you so you can have your five hour workdays.
Kimberly Spencer (00:12:44) - That would be that would be a disservice to them as a coach. The same is a disservice. And I did a post on this and it definitely got some interesting response. and vibes from, from some people about the disservice that many entrepreneurs have and are doing, especially female entrepreneurs. I see you queens where they are not charging for their services because they want to give back. And it's this altruistic charity mindset where they're giving from an empty cup. So it's not actually charity itself. It's selfless sacrifice, and it's sacrifice where then you are not challenging, like if you don't charge for your services or if you want to offer them. I'm like all about you can offer free things, but also know where your line is. Know where your line of service is for what you choose to charge for, and then hold that line, because the things that you charge for are valuable. There's obviously value of learning, of skill, of, of experience that you've put into that, that deserves to be compensated.
Kimberly Spencer (00:13:55) - And when you don't hold that line, what you're doing is you're looking at your potential clients as charity cases, and you are judging their financial possibility by their current financial reality. And who are you to be the discerner and the judger of what they can do or cannot do with their finances by oh, I don't know if they can afford it, so I'm not going to charge them. Like that is actually an especially in the coaching industry when I see this, that is actually doing them a disservice because you are literally, as a coach, basically projecting a belief onto them that they can't rise to the level that they say that they want to rise to, which is why they're hiring you or are interested in you being their coach in the first place. So do them a favor and allow yourself to see that there is possibility in charging for your services, and that because the transformation comes and is in the transaction. And there are people that may not like that belief because they just want to do everything for free, because charging money is scary.
Kimberly Spencer (00:15:05) - Because free is nice. Free people like people, love free. But. People value paid. Like when you pay for your house, you value it. I mean, you own it. There's ownership in that choice versus if you get it for free. Humans notoriously neglect free. They they like it. It makes you likable. But for the recovering people pleasers. The you charging actually is your act of courage. So the idea then of not charging for your services would actually be shame motivated and a shame based culture of a warrior culture that would say, hey, Queen! Charge for your frickin services! Do the courageous thing. That is where we can start navigating a new paradigm and a new relationship with shame, where it's not that you will feel or experience shame. It's the idea or the concept of even experiencing the shame and losing face, or the opinion that people hold a view, the repute of the person that you are building yourself into being. The idea of losing that because you do not deliver on a promise, or you do not charge for your services, or you do not show up on a daily basis for your your community or your social media and you and then you have expectations that are filled with pride, and then you get to beat yourself down with the guilt of, oh, I didn't do it, and here I am, and let me sit in my guilty pity party.
Kimberly Spencer (00:16:47) - That is not a warrior ethos, which is why that book spoke to me so highly. Because it's not that you're actually operating with shame. It's that you are operating with courage. Because the idea, even the very concept of you experiencing shame and letting those you serve down, is so abhorrent to your soul that you would rather die. And in a way, you do. Exactly. So look at how can you shift from the guilt based thinking where you get to self flog in your own little bubble? And yeah, Pete, your reputation may be damaged, but then you know what's a reputation? A fucking lot, I can tell you that as is, the higher you go in the circles that you climb, it is small and word gets around. Like, I can definitely tell you like getting people booked on the top 1% of podcasts, being in the top 15% of female entrepreneurs doing six figures, multiple six figures. It is a small club and so your reputation is actually a lot. And that's why when I have celebrities come to me who have stuff in their past with their reputations and things like that, that it was damaged or someone spoke ill of them, that that is why I have such a passion, especially if it was they spoke ill of them.
Kimberly Spencer (00:18:23) - The person did not actually do something, and then the person who spoke ill of them was not actually punished by our judicial system. That lets people spew lies. And then there's no consequences for lies that are told that actually damage a person's reputation and could damage their family and can damage hurt other people. Words hurt and they can stick. And now I don't know what the specific solution is, but I think the solution may not come from the government. I think it may come from a societal cultural paradigm shift. To one of a warrior culture. Where we're not seeking out war. It's not seeking that out. We already have that. And that's not that's not serving anyone. But the ethos of the warrior, the ethos of courage, of someone who takes a stand and chooses to fight for something, and who owns and honors their own integrity and their word. And when they say they're going to go to battle, whether it's, you know, to take a stand for female empowerment or to go to battle for, you know, making sure that women rise beyond just the 3% that just make it to seven figures currently, or they go to battle for another cause or something that they choose to step into that comes that battlecry comes from courage and an ethos and a society and a culture where your reputation matters and so many people don't see because they'll post everything on social media, which, you know, fine, like, I post a lot on social media, but they don't post everything.
Kimberly Spencer (00:20:04) - I'm not posting things that would make my kids feel gross. You know, nine years later when they are like, oh, here's a picture of my kid on the toilet. No way. Why would I ever do that to them? But in a society that is guilt based, it's like, oh, I'll feel bad later, or I feel guilty that I did this, but it's just me versus a society that actually has courage at the forefront. And the fear of losing face is so powerful that people take a stand for their reputation in integrity. So I'm not saying any go prideful, disillusioned reputation that's not earned. Like the warrior in battle who like they earn their scars. That's why Alexander the the story of Alexander the Great, showing his scars to his people, saying, who has more scars than me? Versus, you know, the person who's puff themselves up and that has puffed up a reputation that they didn't actually earn. That's that's one that they can fall from pretty fast. That is not the the culture that I am speaking of, but I question how can we create within ourselves, within our community, a more courageous culture? And when I read this book by Steven Pressfield, I thought that this could be a wonderful way.
Kimberly Spencer (00:21:25) - To just explore a new perspective and a new relationship with shame. Let me know if this episode served you. Let me know if you're like, yeah, this is an interesting concept. Maybe I can play with this or let me know if you're like, you think I'm full of shit, that's totally fine too. Like, as always, my fellow sovereigns own your throne. Mind your business. Because your reign is now. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If what you heard resonated with you, be sure to subscribe and start creating a bigger impact now by sharing this with a friend.
Kimberly Spencer (00:21:55) - Just by doing that one simple act of kindness, you are creating a royal ripple to support more people in their sovereignty. And if you're not already following on social media, connect with me everywhere at Crown Yourself Now for more inspiration. I am so excited to connect with you in the next episode, and in the meantime, go out there and create a body, business and life that rules because today you crown yourself.
